Endearingly Remembering Shawn, My Grief Challenges, Songs I Like

For Shawn’s B.day (2) January 3, 2017

At the beach I made a simple memorial for a few friends, whose children died. 20170101_165006.jpg

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Just for fun, about a year ago, I asked one of my passengers, whose family is from China, if they could show me how Shawn’s name would be written. Here is the symbol they found for me: 

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  I, also, asked my friend, who is Japanese, how Shawn’s name would be written.  This was the closest he could find.    I never noticed this before, but I think it looks like both symbols are the same.

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As I was jotting words for this post,  news reported the death of Debbie Reynolds, less than a day after her daughter, Carrie Fisher, died. The report has hit me extremely hard.     You see, many times since Shawn died,  even during his last moments, I experienced an unbelievable physical pain~ in my heart.  At first the intense pain scared me. Each time it happened, a  familiar word  played, over and over, in my mind: “relax”.      Yep, “relax” one of the words I said, A LOT,  to Shawn,  when he was having panic moments, in the hospital. I, later, learned that it is common for folks to have an actual pain in the heart, when someone dear dies. The pains are not as frequent, now, but they, still, kind of scare me.

This being Christmas time, hmmm~~~let me put it this way; a few weeks ago I met a mother. This is the 4th year since her son died. She told me this has been the hardest year, for her, since her son died.  Hmmm~~~for me, this has been a super hard Christmas. Maybe  because I was trying to plan Shawn’s  33rd b.day, which means dealing with the harsh reality of his goneness. Maybe, this is how life will be from now on ???

This is the ivy Shawn planted for me.

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  I thought I made great strides decorating for Christmas, on December 3rd.

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One of my ideas took some early planning. Last summer I had the arborvitaes, out the front porch, cut down to the height of the handrail. 20160728_134627.jpg Oh, I know, most folks would want the privacy.  I had a couple reasons to have the arborvitaes trimmed: one was because they were blocking my view out the front window, I couldn’t see sunsets. The second reason, I was thinking of my pledge to myself about decorating this the 3rd Christmas since Shawn died.  I wanted to try and decorate the top of the arborvitae, a heavenward view. I have enjoyed the pretty twinkling lights !!!arbervitea-tops

 

 

I will close with a song that speaks for me.

 

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