I attended a Compassionate Friends Candle lighting, this past December 11th. A song was played at the beginning of our meeting: Alan Pederson: “Tonight I Hold This Candle”. https://youtu.be/xPlBrxzBO9s
I have been trying to work on a post for Shawn’s 33rd b.day. I am just super stuck. How do I honor Shawn, when I ache so…???
Apparently, I am experiencing a bit of a set back. I have been assured it is expected for this time of year, Shawn’s b.day being so close to the Christmas celebrations and the new year beginnings. My emotions and guilt are immense and intense. So much so that I do not want to talk to anyone.
Before Christmas break, I was getting ready to putting together Christmas gifts, for my bus passengers. My drunk squirrel ringtone sounded. Would I be able to talk to the person calling ??? It was Melissa. I was afraid to speak not sure I could squash my emotions. We talked about many things and for quite some time. My emotions were brewing, earnestly. I didn’t think I could contain the tears any longer. Both of us kept mentioning Shawn things. As time was winding down I mustered the courage to ask Melissa a question that had been plaguing me. Mind you, I know I have spoken to Melissa about this topic before.
I feel bad for Melissa, because she has parents who are tortured by their actions regarding Shawn’s end. Did we kept Shawn’ alive too long ??? I needed to know if Melissa was upset with me~did I give Shawn enough time ??? My guilt was building~as it does frequently, the nagging thought~did I, selfishly, make the hospital staff care for a body that wasn’t going to survive ??? How will ALL the staff-those who cleaned Shawn’s room, those in the cafeteria, those who tended to Shawn’s various needs~~~so many more~~~ at Harborview, ever know how much I appreciate ALL the care they showed our family ??? How do I thank all the rescuers ???
Was it wrong of me to want to give Shawn more time, in case his body decided to start healing ?
Melissa gave a profound response~~~I believe it was providential !!! She was talking about all the issues that were happening, all the folks involved in the decision, and then, in the middle of her response, she simply said: “It is not that we kept Shawn alive, torturously, too long. Its not that we didn’t give Shawn’s body time to heal it was just his time to go…”
A long open, here is my tribute to Shawn:
My favorite number is 33. Today is Shawn’s 33rd b.day. It is a simple tribute. For some reason I could not muster more. At first, I felt awful for not having a wonderful, jubilant and captivating design, and I only made one. BUT, as reality sets in, and the ache of Shawn’s goneness has increased, how could I do otherwise ???