My Grief Challenges

Ease My Grief March 25, 2017

 

A very bad cold, so no audio.

 

Death taints life, or my perspective, anyway. This toy represents my life.            A knock-down, I come back up for another knock-down. This year, my unb.day was very depressing.    It was on a Tuesday which meant the first of March was on a Wednesday and  Friday was a 3rd.  So many sames from Shawn’s death. For now, I cannot see any approaching event as one that is truly filled with joy. Maybe I was low on air, but this last knock down was the hardest I have had to date. I did not know if a come back up was doable. I do not understand grief. Will I ever get to the place when I am not so displeased with myself and my role in Shawn’s end ??? Every workday, I put my busdriverness on and get through the days. I am constantly praying that God would see fit to ease my grief, but there seems to be many moments of a total knockdown.  

~~~

  I believe it was about March 13. I had unlocked the gate, so I could get to the track. It was probably about 10 minutes before the mechanics would be arriving. As I made my way down the  dreaded hill, a hill I swore I would not endure going up at the end of a work day. It is usual, for me, to look and listen in case something untoward might be  happening. As I was looking at all  the buses, I saw one bus door all the way opened and wondered why the driver would have left it open all weekend. I noticed many bus doors open. Them I saw writing on a couple of bus windows and almost stepped on a pair of glasses which were next to an umbrella. I was wondering if there was anyone on the lot, but I heard nothing. I left everything as it was, as I walked by.

When I arrived at my bus, I saw the tell-tale signs of it having been broken into. I did not touch anything, but headed in the direction of the mechanic, who has just crossed the gate threshold.  I told him something was wrong and that a lot of  bus doors were open. As it turned out, the bus lot video showed the folks who broke in,  they had a key  and drove through at their pleasure. Apparently, they had locked the gate after their business was finished-about 15 minutes before I had unlocked it.

 The Friday night before, I had secured my bus, I had been sure no one would waste their time trying to wreck my locked door. I was wrong. It looked like something had been forced into the lock. The folks who rifled through my bus, were too neat. They took out the neatly stored items from the bag by my bus seat. They did not take my gum, cough drops, inhaler.   What was missing was my blanket I had behind my seat, my thumper and a knee pad.  Okay, no big deal…??? Yes this turned out to be a BIG deal !!!  

After the video was reviewed, it was asked of me not to walk the track in the dark anymore.   I spent a few days struggling with an upset attitude towards our boss and others whom I was sure were trying to take away my way of release and facing life ???  Were folks trying to find ways to make my life more miserable ? What privilege is next to go ? I spent a lot of time begging God to help me find a replacement to my routine. So much of what I have done the  years since Shawn died, have been little helps, but still helps. I miss loopin’.  I loved the quiet mornings. I loved the dark-I don’t have to wear my glasses to block the light. I miss my prayer time. On my first day of no loopin, as I approached my bus, I heard a pleasant greet from Mr. Owl. I spoke back to him.  I will miss his cheers from the trees area of the track.  I  continued asking God to help my attitude towards those who wanted my loopin’ stopped-because of safety issues ???   My mind kept wondering to my rebounder when I would pray about a loopin’ replacement.  Well, I have started  rebounding before I leave for work and listening to sermons. I start my routine with 33 squats. Oh yes, I am trying to figure out how to use my Gwee gym, while rebounding. I get to work early enough to eat and pray, in my car. I am, now, walking up the dreaded hill, 3 times a day~~~go figure. I have, also, increased my daily Fitbit steps goal to 13,333.  So, all in all, I have been able to make lemonade out of very bitter lemons. At least they were very bitter lemons to me.  I still lack trust in most folks-something else to work on.   

~~~

 The chorus of this song, fits me: https://youtu.be/yXYdGD3-b7k

~~~

A strange end to some very frustrating days, since my un~b.day. Yesterday (March 24) I was on my high school  take home run. At one of the stops a huge tree had been taken down. It had  caused rerouting this past week. Friday, I could not see how blocked the road would be, because of various rigs, so I decided to reroute. I had one passenger who needed that stop.  As I was getting ready to close the door, he turned, very quickly and jumped back onto the bus, he had realized he had left his baseball cap, in his seat area. I was speechless. As my passenger came up the stairs and spoke, he was the image and sound of Shawn. I have had this run since December and this guy doesn’t ride very often. How could this person be a living image of Shawn ??? His voice and chemistry towards others, are how Shawn would be. What does this mean ???          

I have begged God to lessen my ?guilt, regret and doubts about my role in Shawn’s end and to ease my pain of how I could have dealt better with All the issues, at that time.     I have been asking God if  Shawn is okay. I do not understand all that is happening. How much longer will this torturer last ???

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