My Grief Challenges

God Loves, Me ??? April 1, 2017

 

 

My cold was so awful that I did not do an audio for the post from last week, therefore I did not do any rereading. Before I go any  further, I will  read the last paragraph.

 Maybe next week I can do audio. 

 I did share last posts happening with my counselor. I was afraid he would say I have gone off the deep end. Instead, he gave examples of similar experiences from other folks.  He told me to look at it as an answer from God, that Shawn is okay. I am to consider it a gift from God. My counselor encouraged me to look at these type of events in a more positive way. Realize God loves me and does answer my prayers, in ways only He knows is best for me. We live in a broken world, with fallen humans. There are realms, here, too great for our understanding, but God is not limited and uses what He chooses.                               My problem is that I have a hyper sense of responsibility, which causes me to see God as always needing to shake His big finger at me for whatever I failed to do properly, or plain didn’t do. I am a fallen human. I need to embrace the depths of Psalm 23. 

  I am stepping back in time. Around 1986 Melissa, Shawn and I lived in Gram & Gramps little house, before it was sold. I cherish this photo.    We had the photo taken because we had finished memorizing 3 things: The Lord’s Prayer,  a different version of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star…it is dark and night is here, but I know that God is near… (it came from Shawn’s Sunday school class. I have not been able to find that version to get all the verses) and Psalm 23.

When God gave me the idea to rebound before work, I had an impression that this would be a good time to listen to sermons. Bob’s mother no longer lives here.  In the past I did not want to listen to anything, in the garage, because her room was on the other side.  I did a listen test to see if the sound would travel up to our room. At a loud volume, even I could not hear it.

I have listened to some of Rick and Kay Warren’s messages about the loss of their son. For whatever reason, when I pulled up YouTube, for my first day rebounding, there was Rick Warren, teaching on Psalm 23: https://youtu.be/6WzICvMTP70. I remember when I chose this passage for Melissa and Shawn to memorize, it was because I wanted them to have it in their hearts, especially for the difficult times. I wanted them to be assured God would take care of them. When Shawn was in the hospital, before he died, many times, Psalm 23 and the Lord’s Prayer were quoted. Those moments were times when Shawn seemed to have peace.

~~~

 I dread many occasions, at this time in my life. Even if they are happy moments for others. How awful of me.  Each one that comes and goes, reminds me of each passing moment of Shawn’s goneness, now almost four years. I seem to be struggling a lot with my emotions. If my counselor is right and I am depressed, will the depression ever go away or can I force it away ??? I am so exhausted.  I have learned changes add extra stresses. I am a person who likes constancy. I find myself frustrated with myself for letting myself sink into a depressed state. Plus, I chide myself for being such a wimpy Christian.

 Over Christmas break I had worked so hard to get Shawn’s photos  into one location. Now I need to organize all the pictures, by year.  I am thankful for the memories, but for whatever reason, I cannot look at them-they have become a smashing reality of Shawn’s goneness.                   I have been breaking down projects into doable stages and having goal dates. I have decided, for now, to allow myself to take a couple years for my ornaments.           I try very hard to not allow myself much time to dwell on my woes.  I have tried  to listen to talk radio, but that gets me more depressed. A few weeks ago, my nerves were rubbed raw when replay after replay was done of those protesters:   https://youtu.be/lJG0Ibhcsng    I find this one so awful. You can tell that the person was looking for the camera placement, and then she did her thing.  Their rantings and ravings. Seriously ???   OH DEAR !!!  I was slammed with a dose of reality. I  must sound like those protesters  when I cry to God about Shawn’s death. What was to be was and is and I cannot change what was meant to be.

~~~

 I will end on a positive note. This past week my cold was awful. My ocular rosacea, flared up. It hadn’t been that bad in quite sometime. I went to the Natural Grocers, nearby. Hoping to find something to relieve the inflammation, burning, itching and drainage. The clerk said a new product had come in and folks were pleased with the results. We couldn’t find anything saying I couldn’t put it on my eyelids. I am so glad to have found something that soothes my eyes !!!  Here is the site: https://www.montanaemuranch.com/emugency-pocket-stick-p/anem.htm

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