Well hello folks, I am trying to get back into doings. I am so behind and have been trying to catch up on: home projects, ornaments, organizings, PorQ clips and hopefully weight issues. I guess I need to make a game plan !!! The past 6 months have been very difficult. I think I am kind-of feeling a-self-imposed pressure. You see, my counselor gave me 5 years from Shawn’s death, to be dealing better with my grief. This is year 4… The gloom has been so thick over me. I was watching a program about Charles Spurgeon. More than once Charles faced the difficulties of despair. All the while, God’s mission, plan or calling, was unwinding for Charles, in-spite of his ups and downs. I know there are folks in the Bible who seemed to have quite a bit of sad moments in their lives, yet God used them.
I do not know if many of you out there are in the deeps of despair ??? I do not know if any of you understand what it is like to dread every moment whilst trying to come to grips with loss. I do not know if any of you struggle with the torments of depression or grief. I do not know if any of you struggle wondering what your purpose is or what gifts God has given you or how God can use you for His glory ??? Like this tiny pansy, growing through a crack in the pavement and up close to a building. How and why did it grow there ??? Yet, the several times I walked past this flower, clocking in & out for work, it blessed my heart. I wonder how many of you know someone who is doubting their worth, while you the onlooker, can see clearly how God is using said person ? Just recently, for me, I was sharing with a new friend that her attitude, her persistence and her acceptance of her situation have been such a blessing to me. She shocked me when she said the same about me. How could she say that about me ??? You see, my new friend has suffered with Cerebral Palsy, for 70 years. She is reliant on a special lift to get out of bed. She gets tired, easily. She has other health issues that make her life more complicated. To go anywhere, she has to use special transportation. The home she lives in, is lonely. Most of the other folks have some level of Alzheimer’s, or just plain don’t care to be friends. She used to enjoy her 10 year old Apple laptop, until it broke. Her resources are nil, so she cannot afford to get it fixed. She sighs, yet is grateful for God’s love, care and peace. The many moments she is alone or unable to sleep, being a prayer warrior, she uses those many moments to pray for those God brings her way. I am earnestly praying that somehow God would send someone her way that could fix her laptop. At-least she would be able to connect with others.
I really thought I was doing better, until “my little jewel” episode happened. I have been told happiness is a choice. Don’t think for a moment that I have not given myself “a here to what for” about trusting God’s moving in my life.
Now, here is where I am most bothered by my kidney stone episode. Not working gave me time to remember a lot of Shawn’s hospital moments and the many decisions that had to be made, and the regrets or doubts regarding those decisions.
I must admit that the nausea, pain and weakness for 33 days was tiring, but nothing like my friend who has suffered for 70 years with her Cerebral Palsy. My hope is to find ways to, somehow, encourage my new friend.