Audio is Available, Blotto, Endearingly Remembering Shawn, Memories To View, My Grief Challenges

Several Hallmark Movies January 14, 2017

 

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I reread the post for Shawn’s b.day.  My apologies for being so glum. This was just a very tough Christmas season-the reality of Shawn’s goneness has been extremely piercing.

I watched several Hallmark movies, very few ended sadly. I do not know why I kept hoping I would find some hope,  for my situation, in their messages. None was to be found. I know my hope is in the Lord, it’s just that sometimes, when my heart is ripping,  I need some kind of salve. 

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   I seem to miss the Christmas window display shows~or maybe those are not made anymore ??? I loved watching the creative detailing !!! It was my delight when I came across several Christmas light shows, on Discovery Family-dish #179. I was late in finding these shows. I recorded as many as possible.  I love all the ideas the folks have in mind. I found one I hadn’t deleted, “Extreme Christmas Lights Across Europe”. Mind you, all lights in the house, must be off~the effect is so much prettier. Hopefully, I will remember to check ahead of time and record ALL shows about Christmas light/decorating, next fall.

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I left for Rockaway, January 1, at 1 0 AM.         I figured most folks would be sleeping after bringing in the new year.  As I made my way towards the zoo, the road seemed slick and the left side was not safe to drive in-for me. I made my way to the right, as soon as I did, a car zoomed past me on my left.

I took the road towards Tillamook, off to my left a car had gone off the road into a ditch. I was determined to drive extra careful. As I approached the Pacific Coast Range, the road seemed to be worsening. It wasn’t long until I saw a line of cars heading west, ahead of me. There must have been about 20 of us. We were averaging 20 mph. I was grateful for the snow plow rig, at the front of the line.  I looked to my left, the east bound road looked awful.   All along the road was evidence of work that had been done quite a lot earlier that morning.   I was glad I was not car #1, I was the last one.  Then, a big pick-up came behind me. My drive became stressy. The pick-up driver was very antsy.  When we were at the top of the range, the snow plow rig pulled over~bummer !!!  

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  I had gotten to Rockaway too early to check in. surfside I decided to check the shore. It amazes me how different the beach looks at each visit. I was trying to figure where I would be doing my beach decorations. The water was almost to the stairs and was very robust. So, I decided to take Blotto and get a cute photo of a Christmas decoration in Garibaldi.

 

A crab cage Christmas tree, with lights, in Garibaldi

 

Blotto is on the Crab Cage Christmas tree.

 My main goal, while at the beach, was to get Shawn’s hospital photos off my phone.       cbaa0f59f5d08a1dd418b904d05a15b7

 

Every photo I viewed, I remembered clearly the moment it was taken. I was shocked as each image revealed the severity of Shawn’s situation. Up until then, a fact I could not give into. Shawn did not look like Shawn. I do not say this to be mean.  It was very difficult to look at each photo. When it came time to delete a Shawn photo, off my phone, my gut wrinkled. Each delete was another punch of reality regarding Shawn’s goneness~~~how I hate this grief journey !!!        Needless to say, it took me a long time to get through the photos. I thought I had gotten most photos, off my phone and  transferred to my laptop. When I checked my phone, several hours later,  all the photos I had deleted, were still on my phone. I decided to see if Bob could help me, when I got back home.

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Frustrated with my problems transferring photos, somehow, I landed on some  I had totally forgotten:

Dad was showing Melissa all of his wonderful items. It was fun listening to them talking about everything !!!

I found a cow in Dad’s barn !!! This one needs no milking !!! Cute !!!

 

 

 

Tiger & Tuffy having a fun time exploring in this curious place.

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On one of our no drive days, I looked up Facebook posts from Shawn’s Harborview days, I copied and moved them to a place they would be safe (?).

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I think all the computer smart people (Microsoft, Apple, Google, etc.) who implement updates, do not get it: updates may be fine, but do not change my writings, calendars, phone lists, precious photos, etc. !!! If I want my stuff changed or deleted, I will do it !!! You techies need to learn how to not change my personal stuff when you are updating system workings !!!

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   We have had some unexpected days off, because of bad weather. Just a side note. I have gotten tired of hearing how Oregonians are bad drivers in bad weather. Here’s the thing: we get freezing rain here, driving on ice is difficult !!!

So, all you drive-it-alls, lay off !!!

I have been grateful to not have to worry about my passengers being safe while waiting for the bus !!! 

 

        

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Endearingly Remembering Shawn, My Grief Challenges, Songs I Like

For Shawn’s B.day (2) January 3, 2017

At the beach I made a simple memorial for a few friends, whose children died. 20170101_165006.jpg

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Just for fun, about a year ago, I asked one of my passengers, whose family is from China, if they could show me how Shawn’s name would be written. Here is the symbol they found for me: 

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  I, also, asked my friend, who is Japanese, how Shawn’s name would be written.  This was the closest he could find.    I never noticed this before, but I think it looks like both symbols are the same.

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As I was jotting words for this post,  news reported the death of Debbie Reynolds, less than a day after her daughter, Carrie Fisher, died. The report has hit me extremely hard.     You see, many times since Shawn died,  even during his last moments, I experienced an unbelievable physical pain~ in my heart.  At first the intense pain scared me. Each time it happened, a  familiar word  played, over and over, in my mind: “relax”.      Yep, “relax” one of the words I said, A LOT,  to Shawn,  when he was having panic moments, in the hospital. I, later, learned that it is common for folks to have an actual pain in the heart, when someone dear dies. The pains are not as frequent, now, but they, still, kind of scare me.

This being Christmas time, hmmm~~~let me put it this way; a few weeks ago I met a mother. This is the 4th year since her son died. She told me this has been the hardest year, for her, since her son died.  Hmmm~~~for me, this has been a super hard Christmas. Maybe  because I was trying to plan Shawn’s  33rd b.day, which means dealing with the harsh reality of his goneness. Maybe, this is how life will be from now on ???

This is the ivy Shawn planted for me.

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  I thought I made great strides decorating for Christmas, on December 3rd.

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One of my ideas took some early planning. Last summer I had the arborvitaes, out the front porch, cut down to the height of the handrail. 20160728_134627.jpg Oh, I know, most folks would want the privacy.  I had a couple reasons to have the arborvitaes trimmed: one was because they were blocking my view out the front window, I couldn’t see sunsets. The second reason, I was thinking of my pledge to myself about decorating this the 3rd Christmas since Shawn died.  I wanted to try and decorate the top of the arborvitae, a heavenward view. I have enjoyed the pretty twinkling lights !!!arbervitea-tops

 

 

I will close with a song that speaks for me.

 

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Endearingly Remembering Shawn, My Grief Challenges, Songs I Like

Shawn’s 33rd B.day January 3, 2017

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I attended a Compassionate Friends Candle lighting, this past December 11th.  A song was played at the beginning of our meeting: Alan Pederson: “Tonight I Hold This Candle”. https://youtu.be/xPlBrxzBO9s

I have been trying to work on a post for Shawn’s 33rd b.day.   I am just super stuck. How do I honor Shawn, when I ache so…???

Apparently, I am experiencing a bit of a set back. I have been assured it is expected for this time of year,  Shawn’s b.day being so close to the Christmas celebrations and the new year beginnings.  My emotions and guilt are immense and intense.  So much so that I do not want to talk to anyone.  

Before Christmas break, I was getting ready to putting together Christmas gifts, for my bus passengers. My drunk squirrel ringtone sounded. Would I be able to talk to the person calling ???  It was Melissa. I was afraid to speak not sure I could squash my emotions. We talked about many things and for quite some time. My emotions were brewing, earnestly. I didn’t think I could contain the tears any longer. Both of us kept mentioning Shawn things.  As time was winding down I mustered the courage to ask Melissa  a question that had been plaguing me. Mind you, I know I have spoken to Melissa about this topic before.

I feel bad for Melissa, because she has parents who are tortured by their actions regarding Shawn’s end. Did we kept Shawn’ alive too long ???                         I needed to know if Melissa was upset with me~did I give Shawn enough time ??? My guilt was building~as it does frequently, the nagging thought~did I, selfishly, make the hospital staff care for a body that wasn’t going to survive ??? How will ALL the staff-those who cleaned Shawn’s room, those in the cafeteria, those who tended to Shawn’s various needs~~~so many more~~~ at Harborview, ever know how much I appreciate ALL the care they showed our family ??? How do I thank all the rescuers ???

  Was it wrong of me to want to give Shawn more time, in case his body decided to start healing ? 

Melissa gave a profound response~~~I believe it was providential !!!    She was talking about all the issues that were happening, all the folks involved in the decision, and then, in the middle of her response,  she simply said:  “It is not that we kept Shawn alive, torturously, too long.  Its not that we didn’t give Shawn’s body time to heal it was just his time to go…”

A long open, here is my tribute to Shawn:

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My favorite number is 33. Today is Shawn’s 33rd b.day. It is a simple tribute. For some reason I could not muster more.  At first, I felt awful for not having a wonderful, jubilant and captivating design, and I only made one.  BUT, as reality sets in, and the ache of Shawn’s goneness has increased, how could I do otherwise ???  

 Shawn, I hope the lights for your b.day decoration will shine bright and show my love for you !!!   20170102_172101.jpg

 

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Endearingly Remembering Shawn

Lovingly Remembering Shawn January 3, 2016

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So, today is Shawn’s 32nd b.day. Yep, I am at the beach. I am still coming to grips with his goneness. God gave me a little experience to help me to  start to climb out of my pit of despair. 

It was December 28, around 10 AM, just before my work physical. I had stopped in Rite Aid to get, hopefully, some clearance ornaments.While glancing over a front clearance table, I saw 1 box of gray microwaveable slippers. I thought they would be great for Bob. Sometimes, when he is very tired, his feet get very cold. I know how wonderful these type of slippers are, from my own experience. I was thrilled to find something,  for Bob, small though it be. I went to check out. The moment I placed the slippers on the counter, the woman behind me, commented that she didn’t know such a thing existed. This only opened the door for me to, happily, promote the item.  

It became evident that the woman would buy a pair when the store got them in, the next Christmas season.                This next part hit hard, caught me off guard and I had to gulp. I do not think anyone noticed.              I swear that Shawn was behind me, but I did not turn around to check. I heard Shawn’s voice, loud and clear. He was telling me to let the lady have the slippers. So, I told the woman that she could have the slippers. I think I saw her jaw drop. She said she could not remember the last time someone had been so thoughtful. I saw tears welling in her eyes. She said she needed to wait-I figured it was a money timing issue. 

The Shawn promptings continued. I told the woman that I would buy the slippers and give them to her. She said, “No thank you.” I kept hearing Shawn nudging me  to find a creative way to get the slippers to the woman. The slippers were put into a bag with other items. The woman said that she hoped my husband would enjoy them. I made a quiet comment, “maybe”.  I hadn’t left yet and was going to find a way to give these slippers to her.

I actually started shaking. Behind me I kept hearing Shawn tell me to keep trying. I gathered my bags and placed them into the cart. The bag holding the slippers was still on the counter. By now, there were several folks in line. I know that they had heard our interaction. No matter, for some reason, I needed to give these slippers to this woman.   I took the slippers out of the bag. I gave them to her, making sure she knew I needed to do this. I quickly left.

I was placing the bags into my van. I looked up and saw the woman approaching me. I was worried  she was not going to keep the slippers. I was wrong, with tears in her eyes, she just wanted to thank me for the kind gesture. I told her, I did it in honor of my son. We quickly exchanged names and shared little bits of our stories. You see, she had lost 2 children, years ago. She assured me, several times, that in time, I would be able handle the ache. How ? I asked her. How does one move beyond the ache ? Her phone rang. Her nephew was almost out of surgery and she needed to get to the hospital. 

This Christmas, I was trying to do things different. By trying to not be so sad over Shawn’s goneness. A couple of days before meeting J~~~~, at Rite Aid, I was visiting my aunt. Before taking a photo of her ornaments, I wanted to call and see where I could volunteer. Christmas day.  3 different associations told me that all volunteer positions were filled. I was a little sad, but at the same time, very thankful that others were of the same mind. 

Just wonderin’, when God takes, why does He leave the ache ?  

One more thing. Whenever I decorate the beach for Shawn, I always worry that I might offend someone, or make others feel they can’t come over to the area I have decorated for Shawn. Today, as in all the other times, God let me explain why I do my Shawn messages. This morning I was able to talk with folks close to my home.  Did I ask names, or say mine ? Nope. The woman was speaking to me, from the balcony above mine. She kept commenting that I was a strong woman. Never once did I say thank you. I kept saying how I was God’s weakest person. I must needs change. I need to learn to say “thank you” when folks are complimenting me.

Oh, so much to work on !!!

 

 

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