Dealing with the realness of loss, while slowly moving forward.
Category Archives: My Grief Challenges
I want to share the realness of loss through Shawn’s Situation. As time moves forward, I hope my grief growth journey will be more encouraging than depressing. I have been warned, though, that complicated traumatic grief, is like the many layers of an onion, it is going to take awhile~~~many gulps as I dread the process . K
This has been a tough week. I have been short with my husband, I have not used a nice tone on the work radio, there have been many frustrating moments on the bus. I thought it was Shawn related, until I looked at my calendar and pieced together why my emotions had been so bonkers. Turns out, I have been missing my sister Kathy. Today would’ve been her 59th b.day. I am so grateful that I had gone to meet Kath, in person. We had never been together, as she was given up for adoption, when she was very young. When I was in my early 20’s Kathy called me explaining who she was. Throughout the years we had many conversations. After Shawn died, Kath checked in on me, every couple of days. When she received a bad report regarding her ovarian cancer, I checked in on her every other day.
It was so neat, we would finish each other’s sentences. We were in sync. The day I walked into her bedroom, in Pennsylvania, we both felt like the other was a kindred spirit. Kathy was first to notice that she was the non-emotional, private type of person. I would also add, she got the brains.
After our first talk, back in the early ’80’s, Kathy sent me a package of Pennsylvania things. The only thing, of the many, that I remember, Kathy’s favorite :
It was the best maple syrup I had ever tasted.
I am going to make audio a post I wrote from my visit with Kathy. A Broken Vessel June 27, 2015
On May 20, 2017, President Trump was at a reception ceremony, in Saudi Arabia. All the guests were seated. A calm was over the setting as several men entered the room. They were dressed in white, each had a gun at their side and they were carrying fancy coffee pots. There were many guests, it took many to serve. The men moved around the room so effortlessly. The camera was at a good angle to capture the impressive capabilities of one of the men pouring coffee. As the man was pouring the coffee, he moved the tiny cup up and down. Not a drop spilled !!! I was so amazed. I have replayed that section, several times. I thought it was such a beautiful scene to watch. For the life of me I cannot figure out why no one commented on it, at least not that I have heard. I wonder why it happened that I had glanced up and seen this part ? The soldier was graceful, steady and accurate. I was so impressed !!!
It made me hope that my school bus driving skills, or anything else I do, could appear so effortless.
~~~ ~~~ ~~~
My counselor is doing research on a distant relative named Helga. She was an artist, from Iceland in 1858. My counselor is interpreting her many poems, into English so he can put them into a book. Throughout our meetings, he has read several of those poems. For some reason, Helga feels like a kindred spirit, if that is possible~with so many years between us. Helga had suffered many losses and hardships. Her words are spot on. My counselor told me the reason I feel a connection is because Helga and I have a lot in common, even our personalities.
At our new church, the elders like folks to figure out what kind of service, each can do, to help the church body. I struggle with this stuff. I never think I am good enough to have any service action that would help others. Near the end of June, during, a church meeting about our church moving to a new church location, I was at the back of the sanctuary, standing and holding tight to the chair in front of me~the kidney stone pain was pretty bad that day, all of a sudden this loud thought came into my head. I wanted to find out if I could be the dish washer. The woman in charge of the kitchen tasks had just stepped into the doorway behind me. I asked her if she needed someone to help with washing dishes ? She kind of chuckled when I told her I love washing dishes by hand and said she could use the help. Turns out there is another person who loves washing dishes, she is from Ghana. How cool is that !?!
In a post on August 12, 2017, I commented on getting to wash dishes for my family, while we were at Seaside. I had told my counselor that I must be strange to like washing dishes. Wait, I do not like washing dishes, I love washing dishes. When I was washing dishes and doing the towel laundry, for my family, at Seaside, it was such a joy, even the smallest detail.
So why am I talking about washing dishes ? Well, during my August visit with my counselor, I was discussing my sadness about not getting to decorate the beach for Shawn and my frustration about being so weird, like washing dishes. He told me 3 things: (1) I am an artist; the Christmas card ornaments I make. (2) I am a planner/doer; my beach decorating. Although, this year, I decorated Hillyard Skate Park for Melissa and Shawn: (3) I am an encourager; my prayer/care notes I send out. I told my counselor he had given me a lot to sift through, accept and believe. I explained my frustration about how God could ever use someone like me ??? I was told that God gave me those desires/giftings and to keep doing them. God will be glorified through my actions. I was asked if I had heard about Brother Lawrence and his little book “The Practice of the Presence of God” ? I couldn’t recall it. Well, turns out, he was a dish washer. Below is a little tell of Brother Lawrence:
The last thing my counselor thought was important for me to know, before our meeting was finished, was that I needed to realize that I do not have a spontaneous nature. I love pattern. How he knew that I do not know. It was explained to me that when something happens, it takes me several hours to adjust or regroup. Yep, that is correct. Plus, I usually need time alone for the processing to work itself out. I was told that it is okay to be frustrated with delay/change, it just takes me a while to accept and readjust. I explained how embarrassing it is, cuz I feel like folks don’t understand. I was told, again, I just need to keep doing the things I love. Details will work out eventually.
So, in my worry about what my service is, it happens to be the things I love to do !!! Who knew !?!
School bus driving starts in 3 days. This past week I gave myself just 3 tasks, as a finish of summer break. I really liked my new Prayer/Care book I had put together, but adding photos was too hard. Plus, I still have more photos I need to add. So, my 1st task for last week, was to make a new Prayer/Care book, one that would hold card~stock, envelops and double sided tape. Last week I had made 13 cards to send out. I was amazed at how quickly my supply shrank !!!
My new Prayer/Care book is full !!!
My 2nd task was to reorganize an upper cubby area in the garage. I had various boxes of paperwork to sort through and toss. It had been 6 years since I last organized that area.
I was so bummed !!!
Mice had somehow filled my roller skates with dog food~~~tiny Chihuahua nuggets. The mice had eaten several of my favorite patterns. Worst of all, the mice had tinkled on and in many of the boxes. My task grew. All cardboard boxes had to go !!! I checked on~line and read that ants and mice do not like peppermint or eucalyptus essential oils~ I hope !!!
As I was sorting, I came upon a box, untouched by the mice. Why ??? As it turned out, it was the box that contained papers from my custody situation. I did not want to go down that memory trail. Those legal documents only reopened wounds from the 1990’s, they needed to be tossed !!! First, I decided to check for anything of importance.
My heart was struck when I came upon a note. I did not re~look at it, so I do not know when it had been written. The note was from each of my children. Their words were: “Mom, please still love us.” For several years, Melissa and Shawn were gone from my life. I never stopped loving them !!! ‘nough said. God saw fit to allow it. It is just another time added to the long list of things, from my life, that I cannot see how God can use.
One of the messages from my Prayer/Care cards is:
We never know what kind of situation may slam us down. Sometimes, it may take a while to find one’s footing. For me, it has taken quite some-time to not be afraid of being hurt, again. I have difficulties trusting God. I have told God, during each trial, some happening when I was very young, that He was giving me too much to handle. And yet, the next trial has been more difficult and each trial has been ever so lonely.
Find moments to cherish or at-least try to make moments to cherish. Devastation may happen for most, at-least once. There maybe others who go through many devastating trials, in their lives. Find ways to reach out, show you care~hard as that may be, at times. At least, try.
Here is another sample of a Prayer/Care note:
& sometimes that is all one can muster.
??? ~~~ ???
For quite some time, I have been trying to organize Shawn’s photos and videos. I came upon a video that I had taken just after Shawn died. He was being rolled away from me. I had asked if I could record the leaving. I promised I would not get the medical person’s face. He was very understanding. Shawn’s bed had a navy blue vinyl cover over it. The path was quite familiar. Each time Shawn had been taken to surgery, oh so many surgeries, this was the same path. I had recorded some of those times, as well. I remembered all those moments when Shawn’s bed had gone through those same double doors towards the elevator. I would always stand there for a few moments, just in-case…he would be, suddenly, brought back all better. While recording Shawn’s exit, I did not recall anything out of the ordinary. The other day when I happened upon this video, as Shawn was being rolled through those same double doors, there was this bright light. It enveloped that whole end of the hall, as Shawn’s bed went into it. I had never seen that bright light, before. My mom’s heart, paused.
As I have struggled, openly, with Shawn’s death, I have asked God how He can use~even me ? At the same time, I have been afraid of my next trial. As I move forward, will I be able to handle the next phase of my life ?
A couple of weeks ago, I was vividly remembering the many times Shawn needed blood~many units. He, also, needed plasma and platelets. I remembered how bummed I was when I learned that he was O negative, I am O positive. I remembered how thankful Melissa and I had been for all those kind folks who had donated blood, plasma and platelets.
My 3rd task, last week, was to see if Red Cross had donation openings. I chose the 29th, because Shawn died when he was 29.
My pulse and BP were just fine. My temperature was spot on. I am too short to do the double red cell donation. I learned that there are different diets for each blood type. My Hemoglobin needed to be better than 12.5. I was at 13.7. I asked about donating plasma and platelets. They require more time. So, I will put that on my to do list.
At-least I was able to finally take this step !!!
I sure hope I can keep giving. It is the only way I can think of to pay-back towards those wonderful donors who gave selflessly and kept Shawn alive a little longer.
Oh my gracious !!! I had 3 posts ready, but last week I posted #2 instead of #1. Oh well !!!
During my kidney stone situation, I felt awful for being mopey, for having no energy, but mostly, for letting my self-imposed guilt bother me the whole time. I did not want to complain or even silently moan about my aches when I witnessed what Shawn had to endure ??? My 3 millimeter stone was nothing compared to Shawn’s deep tissue burns. Why did this little jewel knock me down, so much so that I could not finish the school year ???
I could sit in my recliner or curl up in my bed, everything else caused more pain. I was so frustrated that I could not win over the pain. Years ago, when I was dealing with Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue, I had been told to make sure there was no television is my bedroom, no phone~~~nothing that would make my mind think instead of sleep. In-fact, I was told that the only place I should allow myself to rest, was my bed. No napping in my chair.
How glad I was during my kidney situation for my comfortable recliner. I did not feel like working on Christmas ornaments, so I watched shows on you-tube about: castle building, the monk lifestyle, various mysteries.
On one show a comment was made that struck me. Truth be told, I have no idea what type of show it was. The words that struck a raw nerve: “…that appalling desperation of wanting to keep the dying/dead person with you” Those words were exactly the issue that had been piercing my heart.
It is a strange feeling as time moves forward and relationships change, that wanting of the dead person to not be forgotten, another type of letting go, facing the loss, again, all the while watching as others move forward, past me. What is my problem ???
A question that was asked to me, “Was Shawn in misery ?” This person commented that Shawn must have been exhausted. She told me to think of Shawn in heaven. He gets to sing in God’s choir, he is not hurting anymore. Be happy for him.
Moment after moment, during my kidney stone situation, my mind flashed back with self imposed guilt, about Shawn’s last days and the decisions I was involved in. Will I ever get to the point where I do not hate myself for my part in Shawn’s last days ??? My counselor has had to re-explained my strong sense of responsibility, that is why I have such a hard time working through issues.
On the day of my kidney stone removal surgery: I was given a knotted glove that had been filled with hot water. This brought back memories about what I had done with the gloves during Shawn’s hospital days. You see, Shawn’s body would get very hot. It was difficult using the ice packs from the hospital, on Shawn’s head. Somehow, I figured out that ice fit neatly into hospital gloves. I could place a glove carefully on Shawn’s head, and it would stay, giving him some cool relief. When Shawn went in for surgeries, I would write notes, to the medical team, on the gloves and ice packs. I am thankful for the cute photos I had taken, at those difficult moments. So when I was given a warm glove to get my veins ready for the IV, it made for a strange Shawn connection.
Before my surgery, I had given Bob “the” note of what to do if things did not go well. I believe I told Mom and Melissa what to do. I wanted all 3 on the same page. I also informed my doctor that I wanted some piece of the kidney stone, if not the whole thing, or at-least a photo of it. I made sure the anesthesiologist knew I did not want to wake up during surgery. I still remember, vividly, the details of waking up during my broncoscopy.
It was time to be rolled to surgery. For some reason as I was being rolled down the hall, I was remembering when Shawn’s body was being rolled down the long corridor, away from me forever~~~I started crying. I told the anesthesiologist I was getting too sad, missing my son. I asked if he would just let me go to sleep. I just wanted relief from my grief agony.
I remember my doctor waking me up and telling me there was no stone. I fr*eaked !!! I was worried no one would believe me, and what would I tell work ? My doctor reminded me that the ultra sound showed the stone. He did give me a photo, it showed the damaged tissue of where the stone had been stuck. A stent was put in place, as a precaution. I believe the stent must have been on the damaged tissue, the pain those 7 days was, aaawful !!!
You may find yourself wondering what in the world is this a photo of ? My cup and strainer, I used for 33 days, during my kidney stone situation. The flowers were added for prettiness. The green thing is the stent that was put in place, for a week, even though the stone was gone. When the doctor was removing the stent, I asked if I could have it. He said, ” sure.” The nurse had to pick herself up off the floor. She was rather perturbed at my request. Her breathing noises made that ever so clear. As a matter of fact, I have learned that not many folks know what this type stent looks like. AND a funny thing: I was the first to ask for the stent, according to the disgruntled nurse. Go figure.
For quite some time, I have been stymied as to how much water to drink; with so many opinions ? My doctor was explaining to me that since there was no stone to test, being over 50 and this was my first kidney stone, he was not worried about the why or how it happened. He just wanted me to make sure to drink plenty of water. I asked how much water is enough ? He said that any time my urine is darken than the color of straw, I need more water, plain and simple.
I know I have been pretty blunt in this post, but maybe someone learned something new ???
Back in April I had gone into Target. My grief emotions were slamming me extremely hard, that particular day. As I walked through the Target doors, there was cheering and clapping. This caused me to have a chuckle moment. So, I did what anyone else would do. I walked out of the store. I, then, proceeded back through the entrance doors. Yep, just what I needed. I decided to go through the entrance doors one more time, just for fun. How or why did that happy~clappy make me chuckle ? It was almost as if a tiny bright shaft of light came piercing out of a thick black cloud that hung over me. Around May 6th, I was at Target. This time there was no cute greeting. I found myself missin’ the happy~clappy. I did ask a clerk what happened to the happy~clappy. She said it was stopped a couple days before. Apparently some folks said it was annoying. Go figure. Well, if anyone from Target Corporation sees this: I loved your happy~clappy greeting when I came through your doors !!! Maybe some kind of track that plays extra greetings? Kudos to whomever came up with the idea !!! One never knows what might give another a well needed chuckle moment.
Such a little stone for such a big bother !!!
It has been almost a month since my trying kidney stone episode began. Energy has been at an all time low. Which I do not understand, since this is probably the first time in my life that I have had 100% oxygen level in my system. I have had an awful back and leg pain. I decided to check in with my acupuncturist. She found that my right kidney is having difficulties functioning. She found that my sciatic nerve on my right side is the cause of my leg pain. I have found that the Yoga Pigeon stretch has been very helpful. This video explains the stretch very well: Sciatica 101: How and Why Yoga Relieves Sciatica Pain, Justine Shelton: https://youtu.be/69Svhb7tKxA
My acupuncturist did some research and found a couple of products for me to try, in hopes of dissolving “my little jewel”. I have tried drinking lots of pineapple juice, adding rose water to it. I could not tolerate apple cider vinegar. Magnesium, I was told to take before bed. Oops, here I go, the magnesium kept me awake, apparently most folks find it relaxes them-go figure. I have drunk A LOT of water !!! Thankfully, most times I am only 13 steps from the bathroom. I have been very nauseated this whole time. It is odd for me to be sick to my stomach. I did get sick to my stomach when I was pregnant and for most of the surgeries I have had, I have gotten very sick to my stomach as the anesthesia is wearing off. Because of these issues, I found work too much. My doctor okay-ed me not to work until this episode is healed.
Well, my doctor called to check in on me. He had hoped my stone would have passed on its own. He told me that 7 out of 10 folks are able to pass a 3 mm stone with no trouble. I have until June 22nd, to do due diligence to get this jewel out. I do not like nor want surgery. To add to the dread, I have been told that the stent is not much fun.
Oh yes, this tell happened the Thursday I drove after my kidney episode: I do not know how I made it through that day. The pain, nausea and exhaustion were more of a battle than I had expected. I locked my bus and was walking, slowly, to clock out. A friend was calling my name. She caught up with me. She was wondering where I had been and if I was okay. She commented that I didn’t look so good. I explained. She grabbed me by the arm and jerked me around to look at her. She was laughing while loudly telling me,”Kathy, be glad you are not a horse !” Wow ! I just didn’t know what to think. She told me that she had seen kidney stones from horses that were the size of a basketball. She told me to be glad I didn’t have to deal with that. Yes, I am very glad I am not a horse. When I told my Aunt about this, we were laughing so hard, tears were rolling down our faces.
Since I have not been able to do a lot, I have been watching tours of gardens. I re-watched “Rosemary & Thyme”. I have been listening to preaching. I found this message from Rick Warren so encouraging. “Learn How God’s Goodness Can Restore You” with Rick Warren. Published on Feb 20, 2017.
My cold was so awful that I did not do an audio for the post from last week, therefore I did not do any rereading. Before I go any further, I will read the last paragraph.
Maybe next week I can do audio.
I did share last posts happening with my counselor. I was afraid he would say I have gone off the deep end. Instead, he gave examples of similar experiences from other folks. He told me to look at it as an answer from God, that Shawn is okay. I am to consider it a gift from God. My counselor encouraged me to look at these type of events in a more positive way. Realize God loves me and does answer my prayers, in ways only He knows is best for me. We live in a broken world, with fallen humans. There are realms, here, too great for our understanding, but God is not limited and uses what He chooses. My problem is that I have a hyper sense of responsibility, which causes me to see God as always needing to shake His big finger at me for whatever I failed to do properly, or plain didn’t do. I am a fallen human. I need to embrace the depths of Psalm 23.
I am stepping back in time. Around 1986 Melissa, Shawn and I lived in Gram & Gramps little house, before it was sold. I cherish this photo. We had the photo taken because we had finished memorizing 3 things: The Lord’s Prayer, a different version of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star…it is dark and night is here, but I know that God is near… (it came from Shawn’s Sunday school class. I have not been able to find that version to get all the verses) and Psalm 23.
When God gave me the idea to rebound before work, I had an impression that this would be a good time to listen to sermons. Bob’s mother no longer lives here. In the past I did not want to listen to anything, in the garage, because her room was on the other side. I did a listen test to see if the sound would travel up to our room. At a loud volume, even I could not hear it.
I have listened to some of Rick and Kay Warren’s messages about the loss of their son. For whatever reason, when I pulled up YouTube, for my first day rebounding, there was Rick Warren, teaching on Psalm 23: https://youtu.be/6WzICvMTP70. I remember when I chose this passage for Melissa and Shawn to memorize, it was because I wanted them to have it in their hearts, especially for the difficult times. I wanted them to be assured God would take care of them. When Shawn was in the hospital, before he died, many times, Psalm 23 and the Lord’s Prayer were quoted. Those moments were times when Shawn seemed to have peace.
I dread many occasions, at this time in my life. Even if they are happy moments for others. How awful of me. Each one that comes and goes, reminds me of each passing moment of Shawn’s goneness, now almost four years. I seem to be struggling a lot with my emotions. If my counselor is right and I am depressed, will the depression ever go away or can I force it away ??? I am so exhausted. I have learned changes add extra stresses. I am a person who likes constancy. I find myself frustrated with myself for letting myself sink into a depressed state. Plus, I chide myself for being such a wimpy Christian.
Over Christmas break I had worked so hard to get Shawn’s photos into one location. Now I need to organize all the pictures, by year. I am thankful for the memories, but for whatever reason, I cannot look at them-they have become a smashing reality of Shawn’s goneness. I have been breaking down projects into doable stages and having goal dates. I have decided, for now, to allow myself to take a couple years for my ornaments. I try very hard to not allow myself much time to dwell on my woes. I have tried to listen to talk radio, but that gets me more depressed. A few weeks ago, my nerves were rubbed raw when replay after replay was done of those protesters: https://youtu.be/lJG0Ibhcsng I find this one so awful. You can tell that the person was looking for the camera placement, and then she did her thing. Their rantings and ravings. Seriously ??? OH DEAR !!! I was slammed with a dose of reality. I must sound like those protesters when I cry to God about Shawn’s death. What was to be was and is and I cannot change what was meant to be.
I will end on a positive note. This past week my cold was awful. My ocular rosacea, flared up. It hadn’t been that bad in quite sometime. I went to the Natural Grocers, nearby. Hoping to find something to relieve the inflammation, burning, itching and drainage. The clerk said a new product had come in and folks were pleased with the results. We couldn’t find anything saying I couldn’t put it on my eyelids. I am so glad to have found something that soothes my eyes !!! Here is the site: https://www.montanaemuranch.com/emugency-pocket-stick-p/anem.htm
Death taints life, or my perspective, anyway. This toy represents my life. A knock-down, I come back up for another knock-down. This year, my unb.day was very depressing. It was on a Tuesday which meant the first of March was on a Wednesday and Friday was a 3rd. So many sames from Shawn’s death. For now, I cannot see any approaching event as one that is truly filled with joy. Maybe I was low on air, but this last knock down was the hardest I have had to date. I did not know if a come back up was doable. I do not understand grief. Will I ever get to the place when I am not so displeased with myself and my role in Shawn’s end ??? Every workday, I put my busdriverness on and get through the days. I am constantly praying that God would see fit to ease my grief, but there seems to be many moments of a total knockdown.
I believe it was about March 13. I had unlocked the gate, so I could get to the track. It was probably about 10 minutes before the mechanics would be arriving. As I made my way down the dreaded hill, a hill I swore I would not endure going up at the end of a work day. It is usual, for me, to look and listen in case something untoward might be happening. As I was looking at all the buses, I saw one bus door all the way opened and wondered why the driver would have left it open all weekend. I noticed many bus doors open. Them I saw writing on a couple of bus windows and almost stepped on a pair of glasses which were next to an umbrella. I was wondering if there was anyone on the lot, but I heard nothing. I left everything as it was, as I walked by.
When I arrived at my bus, I saw the tell-tale signs of it having been broken into. I did not touch anything, but headed in the direction of the mechanic, who has just crossed the gate threshold. I told him something was wrong and that a lot of bus doors were open. As it turned out, the bus lot video showed the folks who broke in, they had a key and drove through at their pleasure. Apparently, they had locked the gate after their business was finished-about 15 minutes before I had unlocked it.
The Friday night before, I had secured my bus, I had been sure no one would waste their time trying to wreck my locked door. I was wrong. It looked like something had been forced into the lock. The folks who rifled through my bus, were too neat. They took out the neatly stored items from the bag by my bus seat. They did not take my gum, cough drops, inhaler. What was missing was my blanket I had behind my seat, my thumper and a knee pad. Okay, no big deal…??? Yes this turned out to be a BIG deal !!!
After the video was reviewed, it was asked of me not to walk the track in the dark anymore. I spent a few days struggling with an upset attitude towards our boss and others whom I was sure were trying to take away my way of release and facing life ??? Were folks trying to find ways to make my life more miserable ? What privilege is next to go ? I spent a lot of time begging God to help me find a replacement to my routine. So much of what I have done the years since Shawn died, have been little helps, but still helps. I miss loopin’. I loved the quiet mornings. I loved the dark-I don’t have to wear my glasses to block the light. I miss my prayer time. On my first day of no loopin, as I approached my bus, I heard a pleasant greet from Mr. Owl. I spoke back to him. I will miss his cheers from the trees area of the track. I continued asking God to help my attitude towards those who wanted my loopin’ stopped-because of safety issues ??? My mind kept wondering to my rebounder when I would pray about a loopin’ replacement. Well, I have started rebounding before I leave for work and listening to sermons. I start my routine with 33 squats. Oh yes, I am trying to figure out how to use my Gwee gym, while rebounding. I get to work early enough to eat and pray, in my car. I am, now, walking up the dreaded hill, 3 times a day~~~go figure. I have, also, increased my daily Fitbit steps goal to 13,333. So, all in all, I have been able to make lemonade out of very bitter lemons. At least they were very bitter lemons to me. I still lack trust in most folks-something else to work on.
The chorus of this song, fits me: https://youtu.be/yXYdGD3-b7k
A strange end to some very frustrating days, since my un~b.day. Yesterday (March 24) I was on my high school take home run. At one of the stops a huge tree had been taken down. It had caused rerouting this past week. Friday, I could not see how blocked the road would be, because of various rigs, so I decided to reroute. I had one passenger who needed that stop. As I was getting ready to close the door, he turned, very quickly and jumped back onto the bus, he had realized he had left his baseball cap, in his seat area. I was speechless. As my passenger came up the stairs and spoke, he was the image and sound of Shawn. I have had this run since December and this guy doesn’t ride very often. How could this person be a living image of Shawn ??? His voice and chemistry towards others, are how Shawn would be. What does this mean ???
I have begged God to lessen my ?guilt, regret and doubts about my role in Shawn’s end and to ease my pain of how I could have dealt better with All the issues, at that time. I have been asking God if Shawn is okay. I do not understand all that is happening. How much longer will this torturer last ???