Endearingly Remembering Shawn, My Grief Challenges, Songs I Like

For Shawn’s B.day (2) January 3, 2017

At the beach I made a simple memorial for a few friends, whose children died. 20170101_165006.jpg

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Just for fun, about a year ago, I asked one of my passengers, whose family is from China, if they could show me how Shawn’s name would be written. Here is the symbol they found for me: 

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  I, also, asked my friend, who is Japanese, how Shawn’s name would be written.  This was the closest he could find.    I never noticed this before, but I think it looks like both symbols are the same.

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As I was jotting words for this post,  news reported the death of Debbie Reynolds, less than a day after her daughter, Carrie Fisher, died. The report has hit me extremely hard.     You see, many times since Shawn died,  even during his last moments, I experienced an unbelievable physical pain~ in my heart.  At first the intense pain scared me. Each time it happened, a  familiar word  played, over and over, in my mind: “relax”.      Yep, “relax” one of the words I said, A LOT,  to Shawn,  when he was having panic moments, in the hospital. I, later, learned that it is common for folks to have an actual pain in the heart, when someone dear dies. The pains are not as frequent, now, but they, still, kind of scare me.

This being Christmas time, hmmm~~~let me put it this way; a few weeks ago I met a mother. This is the 4th year since her son died. She told me this has been the hardest year, for her, since her son died.  Hmmm~~~for me, this has been a super hard Christmas. Maybe  because I was trying to plan Shawn’s  33rd b.day, which means dealing with the harsh reality of his goneness. Maybe, this is how life will be from now on ???

This is the ivy Shawn planted for me.

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  I thought I made great strides decorating for Christmas, on December 3rd.

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One of my ideas took some early planning. Last summer I had the arborvitaes, out the front porch, cut down to the height of the handrail. 20160728_134627.jpg Oh, I know, most folks would want the privacy.  I had a couple reasons to have the arborvitaes trimmed: one was because they were blocking my view out the front window, I couldn’t see sunsets. The second reason, I was thinking of my pledge to myself about decorating this the 3rd Christmas since Shawn died.  I wanted to try and decorate the top of the arborvitae, a heavenward view. I have enjoyed the pretty twinkling lights !!!arbervitea-tops

 

 

I will close with a song that speaks for me.

 

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Endearingly Remembering Shawn, My Grief Challenges, Songs I Like

Shawn’s 33rd B.day January 3, 2017

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I attended a Compassionate Friends Candle lighting, this past December 11th.  A song was played at the beginning of our meeting: Alan Pederson: “Tonight I Hold This Candle”. https://youtu.be/xPlBrxzBO9s

I have been trying to work on a post for Shawn’s 33rd b.day.   I am just super stuck. How do I honor Shawn, when I ache so…???

Apparently, I am experiencing a bit of a set back. I have been assured it is expected for this time of year,  Shawn’s b.day being so close to the Christmas celebrations and the new year beginnings.  My emotions and guilt are immense and intense.  So much so that I do not want to talk to anyone.  

Before Christmas break, I was getting ready to putting together Christmas gifts, for my bus passengers. My drunk squirrel ringtone sounded. Would I be able to talk to the person calling ???  It was Melissa. I was afraid to speak not sure I could squash my emotions. We talked about many things and for quite some time. My emotions were brewing, earnestly. I didn’t think I could contain the tears any longer. Both of us kept mentioning Shawn things.  As time was winding down I mustered the courage to ask Melissa  a question that had been plaguing me. Mind you, I know I have spoken to Melissa about this topic before.

I feel bad for Melissa, because she has parents who are tortured by their actions regarding Shawn’s end. Did we kept Shawn’ alive too long ???                         I needed to know if Melissa was upset with me~did I give Shawn enough time ??? My guilt was building~as it does frequently, the nagging thought~did I, selfishly, make the hospital staff care for a body that wasn’t going to survive ??? How will ALL the staff-those who cleaned Shawn’s room, those in the cafeteria, those who tended to Shawn’s various needs~~~so many more~~~ at Harborview, ever know how much I appreciate ALL the care they showed our family ??? How do I thank all the rescuers ???

  Was it wrong of me to want to give Shawn more time, in case his body decided to start healing ? 

Melissa gave a profound response~~~I believe it was providential !!!    She was talking about all the issues that were happening, all the folks involved in the decision, and then, in the middle of her response,  she simply said:  “It is not that we kept Shawn alive, torturously, too long.  Its not that we didn’t give Shawn’s body time to heal it was just his time to go…”

A long open, here is my tribute to Shawn:

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My favorite number is 33. Today is Shawn’s 33rd b.day. It is a simple tribute. For some reason I could not muster more.  At first, I felt awful for not having a wonderful, jubilant and captivating design, and I only made one.  BUT, as reality sets in, and the ache of Shawn’s goneness has increased, how could I do otherwise ???  

 Shawn, I hope the lights for your b.day decoration will shine bright and show my love for you !!!   20170102_172101.jpg

 

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Audio is Available, Encouragement For Others, Just Sharin', Music, Songs I Like

ALL Veterans, Thank-you !!! November 12 (11), 2016

I hope all Veterans find comfort in this song.  Know this, there are Americans that appreciate you !!! I thank you for your willingness to serve. Thank you for being unselfish. Thank you for keeping America America !!! I ache for the various pains you have suffered. May we move forward as a nation that honors God !!!

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