My Grief Challenges, Special Videos

Sweet Little PorQ January 20, 2014

I don’t know why my thoughts were drawn to Sweet Little PorQ videos, in the middle of an extremely emotional week.

Someone had commented that it is not good to dwell on things, or replay events-it only makes the situation worse and harder to deal with.  I am so in the wrong. For me, any happening, in any given moment, my mind travels to the events that led to Shawn’s last days.  My heart is torn, often, as I miss, tremendously, my Shawner. I am so frustrated with the tear flows, which cannot change events. One song, I like, mentions beauty from ashes. How can anything beautiful come out of Shawn’s goneness ? I don’t understand all the emotions happening. Why can I not be cheerful or positive ? I do not like this current me.  

To add to a tough week, while driving my elementary run, I heard: sneeze, sneeze, and sneeze. Then the little passenger said: “Don’t worry, Mrs. K, my Dad said I won’t make anyone sick, today.”  I knew then and there what the outcome would be, for me.  I don’t mind colds, usually accompanied by sinus infections and sore ears-from poppin; because I blow my nose the wrong way. This time, though, I thought I was managing the cold, well. Friday night, I woke up, startled. I heard this awful gurgling noise. Shawn sounded like that a lot, I was so sure it was him. Was I dreaming ? Why was I hearing this noise ?  I finally, realized the sound was coming from my lungs.  I wonder why I associate everything to Shawn’s last days ?

Yes, I watched and re-watched the following PorQ video. Here was a precious little critter, dealing with the trauma of being abandoned, aIone, and afraid. I, so, wanted to comfort little PorQ. To his credit, PorQ was moving forward, with many steps of retreat, trying to face his new normal.  I was amazed that he came close enough to touch my phone, had he wanted to. I couldn’t believe how afraid I was. The quills looked like they could cause some pain. Then I wondered if it was possible to get rabies-or how?  At one point, when PorQ was too close, I thought,  I tried to, stealthily, take a step back. The fumble caused PorQ to run away.  It was not my intent to make him feel bad.  I really wanted him to know that I cared and wanted to bring him some sort of cheer or comfort.  
I hope you enjoy this video of sweet little PorQ.


My Grief Challenges, Special Videos

Missin’ Zucchini Days December 24, 2013

You might find yourself asking-What in the world is “Missing Zucchini Days” about ?
As it turns out, on December 3, 2013, Bob (my husband) and I, were comparing childhood memories. Bob was raised in urban Oregon, I was raised in rural Idaho. Bob told me he was spoiled. No real chore demands and quite a lot of free time to do as he chose. He was recollecting about a family, across the street, and being able to frequent their pool, in the summer times, with no real responsibilities.
For my childhood, I was the oldest of 7 children. We all had tasks to do, on a daily basis, which rotated each week. Our summers were filled with many days of weeding a gigantuous garden. We had plenty of extra ***EDIT ALERT***my husband read this last night-12.30.13 and told me there was a word missing*** produce/ZUCCHINI, so we would load up the wheel-borrow or wagon and head down to the corner and sell our delicacies. What strikes me now, all the people we sold to, were folks who had their own gardens. I remember how thrilled we would get selling all our produce. How I wish I could thank all our precious neighbors for helping support us 7 millions during our retail days.  If chores were complete, a treat for us, older 5, was to walk 5 miles in to town, to the pool for a fun afternoon of swimming. The walk home was enjoyable-we were exhausted, but many times we could hitch a ride home with Dad, if we timed things right.
Maybe pulling weeds and other chores, while growing up, seemed burdensome, then,  but nothing compared to getting acquainted with Shawn’s goneness, a chore I would rather not have to do.  So, yes, I am “Missin’ Zucchini Days” !!!
A side note: zucchini dipped in egg and flour, then fried. Oh so good !!!   Hot zucchini bread with chocolate chips, and  smoothered with butter-deeelicious !!!     There is, also, a dish Mom made with zucchini, eggs and cheese-nummy nummy !!!

Last week was very tough-Bob was listening to a news show, it was talking about a little girl having gone in for a tonsillectomy, and is now, brain dead. The fight the parents are having  to go through to not have the machines shut off…My heart aches for those parents.  I know, first hand, the agony of being told I needed to decide how much longer I thought Shawn should be kept alive. I know how alone I was-I, also, knew I would assign mega doses of guilt to myself for giving in too soon.  The news report reignited my guilt, regarding giving the decision to the doctors, regarding Shawn’s last days.   A painful comment told to me, I need to accept it and move on. Really ? Do you have a clue ???

Did I fight hard enough for Shawn to have a chance at living ??? Will my heart ever have peace, again ???  Do folks really know what it is like to have to decide continuing another’s life-especially their own precious child ??? Am I not trusting God’s working through Shawn’s death ???
I know many parents have not had the privilege to be with their dying child. I was, of course, there for Shawn’s beginning, as well as, his end.    Yes, I’m “Missin’ Zucchini Days” !!!
That is all for this week. I am going to be sharing a cute video of Bob and our cute doggererdogs.

For now, K

My Grief Challenges, Sharings From Others, Special Videos

My First Encounter With PorQ June 21, 2015



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It was May 28, 2013. I had gone to Moscow = Dad & Mom’s.  The week before to be able  to a funeral service for an uncle.  Now was time to get details in order for Shawn’s service.

It was a laid back morning. Mom catching up on the laundry. The laundry room on the farm, is a porch between the house and Mom’s upholstery shop.  I was chatting with Mom while she sorted laundry.  I heard this strange noise. Mom hadn’t heard it.  I told her that the frig, freezer or dryer were making a strange noise.  We paused, after a few moments, there it was again.  I wandered around trying to find the noise. I happened to look out the back screen door, hearing the noise, again.  I saw something on the back stoop. I mentioned to Mom that I love those things one can wipe their shoes on.  She was deeply puzzled.  The thing moved as Mom approached the door to tell me there shouldn’t be anything on the stoop.  When it scampered away, the back side of the critter indicated it was a porcupine.  If you listen, carefully to the video, I am not the only noise maker.

There are several videos of our friend, PorQ.  Maybe I can share a little at a time.

My sister Lorrie was certain God gave us this distraction.  I wonder why God does that, sometimes ?  We did spend several minutes with PorQ. He often was so close I could have easily  touched him.  His fluffy hair was fine enough that I could see quills on the top of his head. I was not wanting to frighten the little dude, even more, by trying to hold him ~~~ He seemed so lonely , sad, and afraid.  I wanted to be able to hold him and comfort him.  A side issue.  All the months Shawn was in the hospital, I could not comfort him.  As a mother I wanted to hold him like he liked to be held when he was a little guy.  Shawn had so many bandages and bad places- we couldn’t touch or hold him. I think it is okay to say that he was comforted when I figured out how to gently place my hand on a small spot on his cheek – he would then let his head rest peacefully on my hand.  I remember, many times, asking God to help my arm not shake-the peace filled sleep of Shawn was too precious and I did not want the time spoiled because of my weakness.

I hope to figure a way to add more adventures with PorQ, in the days to come.  Maybe one of you will have a little ~~~ to share about a  God given distraction.  Bye for now  K

P.S. Please overlook my writing imperfections.