Audio is Available, My Grief Challenges

The Black Folder April 3, 2016

  the-black-folder.jpg.jpeg  The black folder

I tend to write numerous notes, daily. I am a scratch pad noteaholic.  Problem is, a note does not mean a task gets completed.  I ended up with my black folder full of notes of to dos and a couple of small baskets with the things that would be needed to complete various tasks. I found myself overwhelmed. One of my huge negatives: I can fit a lot in a little place.  I decided  I needed to sort everything into several  small baskets.  basketed-ready.jpg.jpeg   I figured it would be easier  to conquer my non-completed tasks.

Originally I was going to tackle a basket a day, but when one has no reserves,  one has to find a way to complete undone tasks, somehow.   So, I placed a basket near my laptop. Each time I worked on my laptop, I would need to take care of at least one thing from the basket. It worked. I was very happy with my efforts !!!  It did take me a few weeks. I also ended up with projects that need to be tackled during my summer break.  Now to make sure I do them.

I had come across this star, years ago.   20160402_093310.jpg I think it was meant to hold Christmas cards. Well, me being me, I came up with another use. I had some cute note cards which I copied down, size wise. Now, I have a cool place for all my to dos.  20160326_082025.jpg   There are still several places, open.  I have decided, before adding another card, to check and make sure nothing can be completed, right away.  I  am thrilled with this idea. 

With the overwhelm being conquered, I finally came up with a template for the 2016 ornament and the card idea !!! Usually, Christmas break is spent on the new ornament idea.   I now feel  like I am using my time more wisely.  I may, even,  look over the to dos and see if I can set goal dates, for accomplishment. I really want to make sure I do not leave too much to be done on summer break.

You may be wondering why this is such a big deal ?  Well, when I was told I am in a depression, it bummed me out !!!    So I set out trying to figure how to get out of this awfulness. I now find myself looking forward to finding more time to be able to add new and fun projects. Completing the many old tasks has been a good challenge !!!

A few weeks ago, my counselor said I need to have a collection of things that bring me joy. In a quick glance place. That was all he needed to say. This got my brain a thinkin’. It will be a fun project. I will share a photo when it is completed.

Oh and  just the other day my counselor told me that I am an over-thinker. Truth be told-I already knew that. So, I asked him how I could conquer that problem. He suggested that when I find myself over-thinking, to bundle up the thought and give it to God. Well, that got my mind workin’ on another idea. Both of these projects will have a wire heart as their framework.    20160626_213052.jpg

A few minutes after visiting with my counselor, I needed to get some routing questions answered.  While there I was trying to convince one of the workers that she needed to take a break and walk  a lap.

While waiting for her to get ready, I broke the news about me being an over-thinker.  I was hoping  they would impart some wonderful words of wisdom. Nope.  Instead, I heard 4 voices in unity say “so am I”.  I  asked each person what they do to not overthink. I was shown some non thinking games they have on their phones. One told me that at certain times of the year, when things are extra stressful, she has a notepad next to her bed. When she is mulling, she writes things down and then allows herself to sleep.  One of them told me the importance of admitting to overthinking. Become aware and put yourself in check, realize that control is the issue. Try to find a pleasure that distracts, even for a moment. Figure out the various things that stop the overthinking and, always, have them at the ready.             

It was time to hit the track. My friend and I walked a couple times around the track, then, I had us walk the straightway, backwards. I have been able to ignore her belly achin’ and various complaints. It is enough that when we are finished, my friend is chucklin’.

And now, I have to admit, I do not like this time of year. Shawn’s last days have become such a weight.  An endless agony.  I remember when I started staying with my cousin, the last few weeks before Shawn died.  It seems like it was about a 30 minute drive from her house to Harborview. I would leave about 3:30 AM, to avoid the horrific traffic in that area.   That meant for a lot of driving in the dark unknown. This was also the time when I found Air1 radio. The first song I remember hearing was by:  Capital Kings “You’ll Never Be Alone”                         I cannot tell you how many times that song played, to and from the hospital, no other time did I hear it. It was for me !!!

My Precious Child


My Grief Challenges

Walking On Eggshells November 7, 2015

Found on

  Since Shawn’s death I have been walking on eggshells. I have felt like folks have been watching my actions; in regards to how I perform or remember to do tasks, if am I listening, if I am over reacting.  A common phrase is: it must be because of her grief.  I do try to hold tight my emotions until I am in a safe-alone place. Besides, I really do not want to be a bother. I am more intensely emotional than most. I am a lot to handle.   Lost Footsteps Art Print Glossy Emo Traditional Girl at by zindy, $14.95:

Finding your way through grief. I had a retired minister to tell me this at the very beginning of my grief. You can't get around it, you have to go through it!:

Finding your way through grief. I had a retired minister to tell me this at the very beginning of my grief. You can’t get around it, you have to go through it!

  I seem to be at a place where my grief seems to have become kind of selfish; whether I am aching for Shawn, Kathy or others, I just want to be by myself and deal with it. I know others cannot fill my voids with their words-even though they may care.  Grief is a journey I have to do myself. Quite often I tell God that this is too hard. I tell God that I cannot see how there can be any positive coming from this pain.  I cannot see how I can be a positive influence.

While clicking this post, my mind kept going back to something I had heard on K-Love.  A person had called the station, asking for prayer. It was  for a teenage girl-who was in a coma, in a Utah burn center. Her legs were going to be removed,  just below the knee, due to infection. The parents were going to have to explain to their daughter upon her waking. I ache so for those parents as they help their daughter through this trying time. My prayers for Baily (spelling?) and her parents. I pray they have no quilt. I pray they will be able to bear up, if anger rears it’s ugly head, from the one they were hoping to help. I pray strength, calmness and times of true rest. I hope their daughter heals and continues loving her parents.

 Whenever I hear of these tough situations, my gut wrinkles, I am jolted back to a time when I had to explain to Shawn why his left arm was gone.  Many had tried, I guess I was the last resort.  Then the recall of explaining to Shawn that his time was drawing near. The angst in some of the life changing  decisions… I pray, no, I beg God to  make it so others don’t have to make a life ending decision for someone else.  The despair, the guilt, the sorrow are so overwhelming.  

Last week my counselor wanted me to talk about my job. I rambled off several aspects of being a bus driver: the good and the bad.  He had recalled, from a previous session, that I cannot stand having windows covered. He pointed out to me that my job was just right for me. I get to look out a window, all day long. Yep, if I am anywhere there is a window, I have to be able to have an unobscure view.       I have also, realized that it is super important, for me to have a way of escape. I am sure it is because Shawn had such a difficult time breaking the burglar bars from the window casing.   No one "gets over" losing a child. Anyone who thinks you do hasn't lost one.:

 Regarding exercise:  

My brother, Marlin, told me to make sure I get my 10,000 steps in before a day ends.  I have.          At the end of last year, I was using my hand weights-they were too much.    Just the other day, while picking up elementary passengers, as I was heading to my 5th stop, I saw a couple of AM walkers. One of the ladies was swinging her arms. I have a series of DVDs  from Suzanne Somers, On one of the DVDs, some Tai Chi movements were being demonstrated. Swinging the arms: back and forth a thousand times. There are many healthful benefits mentioned, but helping the lymphatic systems, was what hit me.

I decided to see how many loops I could do swinging my arms. I made it half of one. I rest my arms for half a lap then swing them again.  If you look up Tai chi: swinging arms you will find informative tidbits discussing the benefits of swinging arms. For now, I am going to skip my hand weights  and just swing my arms. I am hoping that as I can swing longer, the benefits will show.

I have something else to share: on one of my quick visits to Pinterest, I came across a pinner who claimed  that putting honey on ones face helped with  skin problems.      I add a little water to the honey to make it easier to apply. I have been fairly consistent. My rosacea has not been burning or itching, as bad. My breakouts are better.  I, highly, recommend a good quality of face cleaning pads, the cheap ones break apart too easy. I am not saying that honey has cured my rosacea, it just feels better. My doctor told me that my rosacea should clear up once an inner inflammatory condition is healed. Interesting.

Regarding organizing:

I watched a  “Hoarders” television show. This older woman had 3,000 containers her clutter was stored in.        Oh man.This one scared me !!!   I will not show you how I have organized my crafts-mostly ornament making to dos. I am so afraid I might become like that lady and be a hoarder that puts all stuff in containers !!!  She was not dirty, just lots of stuff.      Next summer I plan to continue my decluttering.     I visited a friend who just moved into her own Tiny House. I have quite a lot more sorting to do. Oh bother !!! 

Regarding Shawn’s goneness:  

Here is where I am today: I cannot imagine a moment without regret, guilt or doubting. Maybe you all think my issues are just self imposed and cannot understand my ache. I hope and pray none of you have to make choices like: having a child’s limb removed, whether intubation is the best solution or letting doctors determine when a child’s life is over. Then having to explain to the child…why. The rainy weather, today, cannot compare to the deluge within my soul.   Yep, walking on eggshells.