Audio is Available, Just Sharin', My Grief Challenges

Just 3 Tasks September 3, 2017

       School bus driving starts in 3 days. This past week I gave myself just 3 tasks, as a finish of summer break.       I really liked my new Prayer/Care book I had put together, but adding photos was too hard. Plus, I still have more photos I need to add.       So, my 1st task for last week, was to make a new Prayer/Care book, one that would hold card~stock, envelops and double sided tape. Last week I had made 13 cards to send out. I was amazed at how quickly my supply shrank !!!

  My new Prayer/Care book is full !!!

~~~

  My 2nd task was to reorganize an upper cubby area in the garage. I had various boxes of paperwork to sort through and toss. It had been 6 years since I last organized that area.        

 I was so bummed !!!

Mice had somehow filled my roller skates with dog food~~~tiny Chihuahua nuggets. The mice had eaten several of my favorite patterns. Worst of all, the mice had tinkled on and in many of the boxes. My task grew. All cardboard boxes had to go !!! I checked on~line and read that ants and mice do not like peppermint or eucalyptus essential oils~ I hope !!!

As I was sorting, I came upon a box, untouched by the mice. Why ???  As it turned out, it was the box that contained papers from my custody situation. I did not want to go down that memory trail. Those legal documents only reopened wounds from the 1990’s, they needed to be tossed !!!        First,  I decided to check for anything of importance.                              

My heart was struck when I came upon a note. I did not re~look at it, so I do not know when it had been written. The note was from each of my children. Their words were: “Mom, please still love us.”  For several years, Melissa and Shawn were gone from my life. I never stopped loving them !!!      ‘nough said.   God saw fit to allow it.            It is just another time added to the long list of things, from my life,  that I cannot see how God can use.

One of the messages from my Prayer/Care cards is: 

We never know what kind of situation may slam us down. Sometimes, it may take a while to find one’s footing. For me, it has taken quite some-time to not be afraid of being hurt, again. I have difficulties trusting God. I have told God, during each trial, some happening when I was very young, that He was giving me too much to handle. And yet, the next trial has been more difficult and each trial has been ever so lonely.  

Find moments to cherish or at-least try to make moments to cherish. Devastation may happen for most, at-least once. There maybe others who go through many devastating trials, in their lives. Find ways to reach out, show you care~hard as that may be, at times. At least, try.

Here is another sample of a Prayer/Care note:

 &  sometimes that is all one can muster.

??? ~~~ ???

 For quite some time, I have been trying to organize Shawn’s photos and videos. I came upon a video that I had taken just after Shawn died. He was being rolled away from me. I had asked if I could record the leaving. I promised I would not get the medical person’s face. He was very understanding. Shawn’s bed had a navy blue vinyl cover over it. The path was quite familiar. Each time Shawn had been taken to surgery, oh so many surgeries, this was the same path. I had recorded some of those times, as well.  I remembered all those moments when Shawn’s bed had gone through those same double doors towards the elevator. I would always stand there for a few moments, just in-case…he would be, suddenly, brought back all better.                                While recording Shawn’s exit, I did not recall anything out of the ordinary. The other day when I happened upon this video, as Shawn was being rolled through those same double doors, there was this bright light. It enveloped that whole end of the hall, as Shawn’s bed went into it. I had never seen that bright light, before. My mom’s heart,  paused. 

  As I have struggled, openly, with Shawn’s death, I have asked God how He can use~even me ?  At the same time, I have been afraid of my next trial.  As I move forward, will I be able to handle the next phase of my life ?  

~~~ 

A couple of weeks ago, I was vividly remembering the many times Shawn needed blood~many units. He, also,  needed plasma and platelets. I remembered how bummed I was when I learned that he was O negative, I am O positive. I remembered how thankful Melissa and I had been for all those kind folks who had donated blood, plasma and platelets. 

My 3rd task, last week,  was to see if Red Cross had donation openings. I chose the 29th, because Shawn died when he was 29.  

My pulse and BP were just fine. My temperature was spot on.     I am too short to do the double red cell donation.  I learned that there are different diets for each blood type. My Hemoglobin needed to be better than 12.5. I was at 13.7. I asked about donating plasma and platelets. They require more time. So, I will put that on my to do list.

At-least I was able to finally take this step !!!

I sure hope I can keep giving. It is the only way I can think of to pay-back towards those wonderful donors who gave selflessly and kept Shawn alive a little longer.

 

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