Audio is Available, Blotto, Endearingly Remembering Shawn, Memories To View, My Grief Challenges

Several Hallmark Movies January 14, 2017

 

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I reread the post for Shawn’s b.day.  My apologies for being so glum. This was just a very tough Christmas season-the reality of Shawn’s goneness has been extremely piercing.

I watched several Hallmark movies, very few ended sadly. I do not know why I kept hoping I would find some hope,  for my situation, in their messages. None was to be found. I know my hope is in the Lord, it’s just that sometimes, when my heart is ripping,  I need some kind of salve. 

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   I seem to miss the Christmas window display shows~or maybe those are not made anymore ??? I loved watching the creative detailing !!! It was my delight when I came across several Christmas light shows, on Discovery Family-dish #179. I was late in finding these shows. I recorded as many as possible.  I love all the ideas the folks have in mind. I found one I hadn’t deleted, “Extreme Christmas Lights Across Europe”. Mind you, all lights in the house, must be off~the effect is so much prettier. Hopefully, I will remember to check ahead of time and record ALL shows about Christmas light/decorating, next fall.

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I left for Rockaway, January 1, at 1 0 AM.         I figured most folks would be sleeping after bringing in the new year.  As I made my way towards the zoo, the road seemed slick and the left side was not safe to drive in-for me. I made my way to the right, as soon as I did, a car zoomed past me on my left.

I took the road towards Tillamook, off to my left a car had gone off the road into a ditch. I was determined to drive extra careful. As I approached the Pacific Coast Range, the road seemed to be worsening. It wasn’t long until I saw a line of cars heading west, ahead of me. There must have been about 20 of us. We were averaging 20 mph. I was grateful for the snow plow rig, at the front of the line.  I looked to my left, the east bound road looked awful.   All along the road was evidence of work that had been done quite a lot earlier that morning.   I was glad I was not car #1, I was the last one.  Then, a big pick-up came behind me. My drive became stressy. The pick-up driver was very antsy.  When we were at the top of the range, the snow plow rig pulled over~bummer !!!  

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  I had gotten to Rockaway too early to check in. surfside I decided to check the shore. It amazes me how different the beach looks at each visit. I was trying to figure where I would be doing my beach decorations. The water was almost to the stairs and was very robust. So, I decided to take Blotto and get a cute photo of a Christmas decoration in Garibaldi.

 

A crab cage Christmas tree, with lights, in Garibaldi

 

Blotto is on the Crab Cage Christmas tree.

 My main goal, while at the beach, was to get Shawn’s hospital photos off my phone.       cbaa0f59f5d08a1dd418b904d05a15b7

 

Every photo I viewed, I remembered clearly the moment it was taken. I was shocked as each image revealed the severity of Shawn’s situation. Up until then, a fact I could not give into. Shawn did not look like Shawn. I do not say this to be mean.  It was very difficult to look at each photo. When it came time to delete a Shawn photo, off my phone, my gut wrinkled. Each delete was another punch of reality regarding Shawn’s goneness~~~how I hate this grief journey !!!        Needless to say, it took me a long time to get through the photos. I thought I had gotten most photos, off my phone and  transferred to my laptop. When I checked my phone, several hours later,  all the photos I had deleted, were still on my phone. I decided to see if Bob could help me, when I got back home.

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Frustrated with my problems transferring photos, somehow, I landed on some  I had totally forgotten:

Dad was showing Melissa all of his wonderful items. It was fun listening to them talking about everything !!!

I found a cow in Dad’s barn !!! This one needs no milking !!! Cute !!!

 

 

 

Tiger & Tuffy having a fun time exploring in this curious place.

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On one of our no drive days, I looked up Facebook posts from Shawn’s Harborview days, I copied and moved them to a place they would be safe (?).

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I think all the computer smart people (Microsoft, Apple, Google, etc.) who implement updates, do not get it: updates may be fine, but do not change my writings, calendars, phone lists, precious photos, etc. !!! If I want my stuff changed or deleted, I will do it !!! You techies need to learn how to not change my personal stuff when you are updating system workings !!!

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   We have had some unexpected days off, because of bad weather. Just a side note. I have gotten tired of hearing how Oregonians are bad drivers in bad weather. Here’s the thing: we get freezing rain here, driving on ice is difficult !!!

So, all you drive-it-alls, lay off !!!

I have been grateful to not have to worry about my passengers being safe while waiting for the bus !!! 

 

        

 

 

 

 

 

 

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My Grief Challenges, Sharings From Others

The 3rd Month

Garibali Marina

Well *** Okay *** Umph ***

So, for the 3rd month of Shawn’s (Apperson) goneness, I had planned on being at Rockaway. As it turned out, a dear friend of our family died. Our families go back several decades. So I attended Mrs. Paul’s service on 8.2 and was driving home on the 3rd. Making the beach day for the 4th. Close enough.

When Shawn died I had decided that the 3rd month was going to be the time to try and move forward. I have not been able to do much writing, yet, the bumbness has been getting me.  I will push on-I know God has my life planned-Psalm 139.  I am just having a bit of a time.  Back to the beach. I can not part with Shawn’s ashes. So, I decided to laminate: a poster I wrote for him in 1989, and one the the handouts from his service, and a note. I placed all 3 in a plastic blue bottle.  I had tried to get to the beach in time for tide out so I could send the bottle on its way. I must have tried 8 times.  The bottle came right back to my feet. It was suggested to me to go to Garibaldi and find a fisherman who would be willing to take it for me.  I ended up speaking to a captain. He asked what it was for, and I explained-he didn’t seem shocked or bothered. He was planning going far out and would be willing to drop the bottle for me. It might seem silly to folks, but I had to do this as a kind of release.  For the rest of that day, I spent many hours walking the shore.

A side note. I have several people in my life with mega difficulties.  I usually end up just repeating the name of “Jesus”.  For some reason I have been having a hard time finding the words to pray for others as well as myself.  So,  much of my time at the beach was spent in that way.

I loved that day. It was very cloudy, misty, with the waves roaring powerfully.  Just right. There were not a lot of people on that beach that day.  When I left that afternoon, less than 5 minutes  from the beach=clear blue sky, very warm, and many folks

Another side note. All the years I have loved walking in the sand, has usually left my feet sandy sore.  This past year I have been wearing my crocks without socks—no problems.

Maybe next time I write, will talk about July ’13. For this time I am going to share a letter from a friend who lost her daughter several years ago.  I have found her words very helpful. She said she wouldn’t mind my sharing.

Dear Kathy,
I am so very sorry for your loss. I do grieve with you and my heart hurts for all you have had to go through in your life. No two person’s grief is alike, but I can say there is no hurt as hard as losing a child. It would be totally unbearable without Jesus in our lives.  You can count on some folks (well meaning) to say some really dumb and sometimes very hurtful things. Just believe they were trying to help, smile and give it to Jesus, again, and again.
Will you get over it ? No ! We move thru it as though it’s a thick black mud bog. Some days will be worse than others and sometimes God will give you a moment of divine joy where you might even laugh at something, and then you will feel guilty. Don’t ever feel guilty at anything. They are mostly just feelings and emotions, we as moms and wives, have, they are neither right nor wrong, they just are. The main things is not to let them control you or harm your relationship with Robert or your kids or family.  That can only be done knowing where your strength comes from.  Have your husband hold you and pray over you, everyday, and you for him.He is your provider and protector, and Jesus wants you to draw closer to Him and each other. Stay on a good schedule of work, nutrition, fresh air, walks, talks, and rest.  You will most likely feel pain in your heart area. That is normal as a piece was torn off. That’s why nutrition and exercise is so important. Ask for continued prayer from your church and friends. It really works.  I will have you in my prayers everyday, all day.  You will be seeing Shawn again in Heaven. He had all this time to decide and Jesus loves him more than anyone. Jesus especially loves children and He is so proud of Shawn saving those children. What a man you brought into this world. I love and cherish you so much and wish I was closer to you. Know that I am here for you anytime. day or night. Take your vitamins and a sleep aid , if necessary, but avoid other drugs, if possible, they mask the grief, which needs to come out.
Standing in the gap for you as you did for me.

I know I keep throwing thoughts out-that is just me.

I find I have to be near windows so I can look out and up.  Just ???

Bye for now, K

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