My Grief Challenges

Just Remembering Shawn May 3, 2015

20140503_200959 (1)        Rockaway May 3, 2014.

wpid-20150501_185515.jpg   For my “Just Remembering Shawn” time at Rockaway, I have a different saying each day. May 1, 2015, the sunshine was amazing, the wind was so strong I kept tipping over while placing the letters. This was the best shot I could get. In a way, my being jostled by the wind, pretty much describes this past year.  purex-laundry-detergent-mountain-breeze-scentThanks for this blue bottle, I didn’t have to paint the letters. !!!

   I have a lot of beach decorating remembrance ideas floating around, in my head. Hopefully, folks will see that these ideas can be used in a variety of situations, can be done easily, anywhere. Oh and ummm, I am a 3G shopper: I Go. Grab. & Get out as fast as I can. In other words, I do not like any part of the shopping experience.   Therefore, I am the worst bargain hunter.   That being said, I am sure you bargaineers, can do these ideas fairly inexpensively.  

 20150425_072537 It might be hard  to guess what I might make from this mess of craft items, I purchased from Jo-Ann’s.  At the typing of this paragraph, I am hoping that my idea turns out. The reveal will be at the end of this post.

I read my ramblings  from May 3, 2014. Here is a some of what I wrote:    “Shawn, I miss you more than I care to know. I cannot see how life can have an upside. My mind will not stop the accusations of all the wrongs I did to you, or how I failed you, how I fell short, how I didn’t reach out more. So many things. I am told as time goes by I will be able to remember the happier times of your living days. I hope that all those times I begged your forgiveness, that you truly did. I hope I did not make your last days worse because I could not let go. I have it recorded the day you stood 3 times. You were valiant in your efforts to conquer the sufferings your body had endured. Someday, I hope to watch that recording with joy not sorrow.”

 And now, Shawn, I am glad I didn’t know then what I know now, about your last days, cuz I know I could not have faced them then. I so dread every moment knowing I have to face your goneness. Truth be told, I HATE THIS !!!         I see myself as that lost little lamb: Lost Little Lamb   Not in regards to salvation, lost in life’s mire. Broken Heart

Someone asked me why I do beach messages for Shawn.  Deep within, I know that Shawn would think they are a cool idea. He would.      In a way, there is kind of a releasing that happens, with each one.

wpid-20150502_102630.jpg This is my redo, for May 1. The wind wasn’t a bother, yet.   Here is the official design for May 2.wpid-20150502_203337.jpg   

Today, May 3.   wpid-20150503_082226.jpg   When I got back into the room after setting up the design for Shawn’s 2nd year gone, this song was playing: Broken Hallelujah: https://youtu.be/Fo3DudOzV4k    

                                                Shawn, I miss you so…

 

 

 

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My Grief Challenges

Learning GPS ??? December 2, 2013

An unusual fall, I was having fairly good health, so, I decided to go to a Christmas Bazaar, December 1, 2012. I needed to get a lamb shape for the 2013 ornament. My goal was to spend Christmas break getting the template made for the 2013 ornament.
Since I was still uncomfortable with the new phone, Bob-my precious husband, had bought for me, hoping it would get better reception where ever I was. Bob thought I should use the GPS to find my way to the bazaar. Thus, get more comfortable with this new phone, I had hardly used.
I knew how I would have gone to the EXPO center, but thought it would be good to see what the phone said. I took many wrong turns, on purpose, to see how good this future lifeline would work.  It was actually fun. It didn’t get us lost.  If you want to know someone who can get lost easy, here I am !
At the CHRISTMAS bazaar, I was shocked. I figured this would be the easiest place to find a lamb shape. Finally, at the last booth, a place for wool and knitting , I found the shape I was looking for. Here is where my sadness was, I had gone to every booth, trying to find anything that promoted the true meaning of Christmas. There may have been 3. This made me start thinking about the ornaments I have made since 2003. Why have I made the ones I had ? There wasn’t anything like them or their idea. Plus, I started thinking what a waste of time= all the years, all the hours, all the blisters, for what ? No one else seemed to be on the same wave length. It was quite an alone feeling !!! I, actually, went away, rather sad. But alas, I had my lamb shape.

Later that day.
The memory of my last conversation with Shawn, hangs over me with such heaviness. I want to find the positive, but there is too much sadness, yet.
You see, Shawn called, it was the later part of the night. With our schedules, it had been difficult to speak with each other, very often.
Shawn was so excited that I would be willing to help them with their wedding plans, for July 2013. He had often told me that he didn’t know anyone that was as creative as I was. Is that just what a son would say ? We had also discussed a trip to the beach, in June 2013, just the 2 of us. You see, since Shawn had come back, we hadn’t had that much time together-we were, kind of like strangers. Then, silly me-I still had Shawn at 11 years old, but he was, now, in his mid 20s. So many years, so many changes-how does one pick up, from where ???  Shawn knew-most anyone who knows me, knows the beach is my favorite place to be, and he thought it would be good for our relationship.     ***Current day thought-I could have done more to help our relationship move forward, but I failed my son.
Continuing with our last phone call, Shawn was so excited about his wedding plans. Bless his heart. He had been a participant for J-he didn’t leave all to her-he wanted to help with input so she wouldn’t have to feel so overwhelmed. A lot of guys don’t get that involved. I loved that in him, he got involved and wasn’t ashamed and enjoyed the doing togethers.   There was, however, another situation that needed dealing with. So, I moved the topic to that situation, hoping all others involved would be reconciled. Shawn assured me all issues were fine and not to worry. I kept pressing, earnestly, not meaning to diminish his wedding excitement. I just had this ??? to make sure all relationships were on a positive track. Many times Shawn assured me, things were fine and he didn’t want me to worry. To this day, I can hear him say “Mom…”.
I told him how important it was to not leave any issues un-dealt with. There was such angst, turmoil a scarey heaviness-it affected the call, because I was worried about……..???
Shawn, always was big on making sure the grandchildren spoke with Gram K~~~which brings me to another moment I struggle with. This, GPS weekend, Bob wanted to get messages off the answering machine-it was full. Since Shawn and I had just spoken, I said, “yes”, delete his messages. I knew that on a couple of my old flip phones, I had precious messages from Shawn. I did not know that once that phone number is transferred, it might not be easy to retrieve said messages-so~~~it might not be such a bad idea-because of our technology-to save a spoken message from each dear person. Just sayin’.
I will pick up from here, in a few hours. Following the events as they happened this time last year, as close as I can.   Why ? You might find yourself asking.   I do not know why.
Bye for now,K

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