Audio is Available, My Grief Challenges

This Funny Sound~~~ September 10, 2016




Many years ago, I had this very difficult passenger.  This passenger had quite the bad reputation, on the bus and in school. One day I needed the help from a teacher to get this passenger under control. It was time for me to leave. The teacher said: “This to shall pass”. I decided to find ways to bring out the positive, in this passenger. I had given a warning about him having to sit in seat #1 until I was pleased with his behavior.    

This student was a very smart 3rd grader. He read for me, worked on his homework, explained how to do various math problems, talked about his favorite things to do. One afternoon, I heard this funny sound, coming from seat #1. It stopped. The sound happened again. At my passenger’s stop he played his ring tone.  Both of us were laughing so hard. He told me how to find the Drunk Squirrel ring tone.   It took Bob quite a bit of time to find the correct ring tone. I was so glad he was able to put it on my phone.  I love it !!!

 After that, my passenger was free to sit where he wanted. He chose to stay up front. Each day, this bright child would share the things he had learned that day.        I had been told by the teacher who had helped me, that he was so pleased with the improved behavior of our challenging student/passenger.  Before he would get out of the bus, he would play the ring tone, for me. I  love the memory of those chuckle moments.             My passenger hadn’t ridden for a while. I asked the teacher if he knew anything about him.  It turns out that my passenger had moved. My heart sank.    For me, it is always so hard to no longer transport a passenger that has had such improved behavior.

I will not change my ring tone, there are so  many pleasant memories, each time I hear it.  While in Shawn’s room,  at the hospital, so many folks would laugh when they heard my ring tone.      Oh wait,  I will change my ring tone, if technology figures out how to take some of Shawn’s voice clips and lets me make a message:    

“Love ya, Mom”  


   I am following someone who is on a weight-loss journey.  She recommended this song by Shirley Caesar;  “Peace in the Midst of the Storm”:  


 Our church had a visiting pastor from Wenatchee, September 4, 2016. He mentioned Psalm 42. I was sure it was familiar. I looked up the scripture on pinterest. Lo and behold, Psalm 42:1,  I had memorized after a very scary breathing situation, which landed me in the hospital. I remember my sister Connie helping me breathe into a paper sack, as we were heading back to Gritman Memorial Hospital, in Moscow. I will write more about that time, in another post.         Anyways,  As The Deer I never memorized the rest of the verses. I have read and listened to that chapter, many times.  How it applies to me.  Oh My Soul As I listened to Pastor Gene, I thought he might be talking to me.  He read verse 5. “I will, yet, praise You”, were the only words I heard.  Since Shawn died, I have been feeling awful that joy, praise and gratefulness, are thoughts so far away from me.  I am such a different person, now. Will those words ever apply to me, again, without self-imposed guilt ???   The word that hit me was, “YET”.  Yes, very loud and clear. The muck of grief emotions has been so hard to trudge through. Dark, sad and gloomy are my load to carry. Nothing is fulfilling. There is, always, a dark cloud looming over me.    I, anxiously, await for my “YET” to come !!!



School start up was hard;  a new boss and oh so many sudden changes. Those stresses, a new school year, and the dread of Kindy start-up, all have left many of us exhausted, unsure and apprehensive.

For my morning elementary run, there were many parents and passengers, happy or with happy tears because I am their driver, again.  

One phrase that struck me: “I can’t help, that’s is not my job”.  This phrase, from an upper, hit me hard, throughout the various struggles of our start-up week. Is that how it is ? The folks at the top, pressing and pressing their underlings ???  Then I remembered my counselor telling me not to mull. As I was in the process of letting go, I was jolted. A vivid memory came to mind. It was one of the last conversations Shawn and I had. He was explaining how hard it was to be a good worker-who helped others, instead was criticized, ignored, his efforts were seemed useless. I told Shawn to try and forget the happenings, go to work and try not to think negative of anyone, just be the best worker, within his abilities and not worry what others said about him. I wanted him to get back to me and report how he did. He had a happiness as he explained how things were better with a different outlook.  

Melissa called this past Thursday, with a broken heart-work issues. I gave her an assignment that was meant to lighten her upcoming challenges. I did not tell her I was going to be mentioning Shawn’s work stresses, in this post. Her phone call was tough, as it took me back to one of the last times I spoke with Shawn.  


 I have spoken to other grievers. This Sunday being the 15th year since 911, has many of us overwhelmed and resaddened.  Grief is exhaustingly ceaseless.   

The plane hit where the boulder is now. May 8, 2016

The plane hit where the boulder is now.
May 8, 2016

My Grief Challenges

Learning GPS ??? December 2, 2013

An unusual fall, I was having fairly good health, so, I decided to go to a Christmas Bazaar, December 1, 2012. I needed to get a lamb shape for the 2013 ornament. My goal was to spend Christmas break getting the template made for the 2013 ornament.
Since I was still uncomfortable with the new phone, Bob-my precious husband, had bought for me, hoping it would get better reception where ever I was. Bob thought I should use the GPS to find my way to the bazaar. Thus, get more comfortable with this new phone, I had hardly used.
I knew how I would have gone to the EXPO center, but thought it would be good to see what the phone said. I took many wrong turns, on purpose, to see how good this future lifeline would work.  It was actually fun. It didn’t get us lost.  If you want to know someone who can get lost easy, here I am !
At the CHRISTMAS bazaar, I was shocked. I figured this would be the easiest place to find a lamb shape. Finally, at the last booth, a place for wool and knitting , I found the shape I was looking for. Here is where my sadness was, I had gone to every booth, trying to find anything that promoted the true meaning of Christmas. There may have been 3. This made me start thinking about the ornaments I have made since 2003. Why have I made the ones I had ? There wasn’t anything like them or their idea. Plus, I started thinking what a waste of time= all the years, all the hours, all the blisters, for what ? No one else seemed to be on the same wave length. It was quite an alone feeling !!! I, actually, went away, rather sad. But alas, I had my lamb shape.

Later that day.
The memory of my last conversation with Shawn, hangs over me with such heaviness. I want to find the positive, but there is too much sadness, yet.
You see, Shawn called, it was the later part of the night. With our schedules, it had been difficult to speak with each other, very often.
Shawn was so excited that I would be willing to help them with their wedding plans, for July 2013. He had often told me that he didn’t know anyone that was as creative as I was. Is that just what a son would say ? We had also discussed a trip to the beach, in June 2013, just the 2 of us. You see, since Shawn had come back, we hadn’t had that much time together-we were, kind of like strangers. Then, silly me-I still had Shawn at 11 years old, but he was, now, in his mid 20s. So many years, so many changes-how does one pick up, from where ???  Shawn knew-most anyone who knows me, knows the beach is my favorite place to be, and he thought it would be good for our relationship.     ***Current day thought-I could have done more to help our relationship move forward, but I failed my son.
Continuing with our last phone call, Shawn was so excited about his wedding plans. Bless his heart. He had been a participant for J-he didn’t leave all to her-he wanted to help with input so she wouldn’t have to feel so overwhelmed. A lot of guys don’t get that involved. I loved that in him, he got involved and wasn’t ashamed and enjoyed the doing togethers.   There was, however, another situation that needed dealing with. So, I moved the topic to that situation, hoping all others involved would be reconciled. Shawn assured me all issues were fine and not to worry. I kept pressing, earnestly, not meaning to diminish his wedding excitement. I just had this ??? to make sure all relationships were on a positive track. Many times Shawn assured me, things were fine and he didn’t want me to worry. To this day, I can hear him say “Mom…”.
I told him how important it was to not leave any issues un-dealt with. There was such angst, turmoil a scarey heaviness-it affected the call, because I was worried about……..???
Shawn, always was big on making sure the grandchildren spoke with Gram K~~~which brings me to another moment I struggle with. This, GPS weekend, Bob wanted to get messages off the answering machine-it was full. Since Shawn and I had just spoken, I said, “yes”, delete his messages. I knew that on a couple of my old flip phones, I had precious messages from Shawn. I did not know that once that phone number is transferred, it might not be easy to retrieve said messages-so~~~it might not be such a bad idea-because of our technology-to save a spoken message from each dear person. Just sayin’.
I will pick up from here, in a few hours. Following the events as they happened this time last year, as close as I can.   Why ? You might find yourself asking.   I do not know why.
Bye for now,K