Audio is Available, My Grief Challenges

Surfside Ocean Front May 7, 2016

My Room

 I have been blessed, in that, I am able to go to the ocean for Shawn’s b.days and memorial days. I want to take a moment to thank the folks at Surfside Ocean Front Resort, in Rockaway, Oregon. Since they may not read this, I probably need to send them a card. They have been patient and kind towards me. They let me decorate the beach for Shawn. I have asked that they let me know if someone is displeased with my beach decorations~~~so far no one has complained.   It is fun watching various folks check out the displays.

Last year there were some Asian visitors~with fancy cameras. Photoing every new design. I remember when I had put up the last design~leaving it up for only a few hours. I had cleaned up the area and went back to my room, to pack for leaving. Out the side window, I saw someone running. Since no one walks that close to that side of the building~it startled me. The man went running down the rocks. I was worried he was going to fall and break his fancy camera. He got to the bottom of the rocks. Turned toward where the decorations had been, ready to shoot. His face was so sad. His downcast walk to the waves made me, almost call to him. I felt so bad for have taken the display down, so early. I would have remade the display, but I was embarrassed to call after him.

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It happened this time, as well. I was looking out the  sliding glass door, one last time. I saw an older gentleman, with his 2 collies. With his camera at the ready, he went to the 3 areas I had decorated. He relooked, and then wandered around. I think he was thinking I had made a new display, somewhere else. He had taken quite a bit of time, the past few days, looking at  the other displays. He too, had a downcast look, as there was nothing to photo.  It makes me feel sad, when I recollect their downcast walks. I have no idea what to do about it.   One thing I would like to do, is more displays, for others. Just not sure where to take this, but something is prodding me to do~~~something ???

Lovingly

  Usually, after I post for Shawn’s b.days or memorial days, I have a lighter feeling. But this year after I posted,  a very dark heaviness encompassed me. I was hardly able to do anything.  As a matter of fact, it was several hours of deep darkness that had paralyzed me. I did not know this could happen~whatever it was. I thought I would have such release after posting.  The next day, I found the courage to read the post. I was so nervous.  My guess was that I must have written some things that I am suppose to face or conquer. Now, here is something strange: I promise, as I was reading, it was Shawn’s voice I was hearing. That scared me, for a moment. I do not know how those words got written~I do not remember writing them myself.  As I click these words, I am thinking the rest of the world is not going to understand. I will continue~in case there is someone who does understand.  I cannot bring myself to reread “3 Years Gone”. There are issues in it that I need to get a better handle on.

 I had spoken to Bob. Trying to decide if I should stay another night or 2. Something I should explain. Whenever I am at the beach, I do not rest well. I am waking up~hourly. I have to make sure the ocean is still roaring. I have no idea why. I also, check to see how many fishing ships are far out there. Then, I pray for all those fisherman. I have no idea how they do that job, in stormy or calm nights.

As I was preparing to leave, closing the sliding glass door-which remains open any time I am in the room, unless a super blowy rainstorm. The heaviness was still encompassing me.    A major reality slam was taking place.    Shawn’s not here !!!  Shawn is not anywhere !!!  I have been told think of him as if he were in the next room. That idea fails !!! I cannot go to the next room, open the door and talk to Shawn and hear his voice. I cannot go into that next room and give Shawn a hug. I cannot go to that next room and ask if everything is okay ?. He is not in the next room !!!   The ache was/is so awful. I ended up checking out, earlier than planned. The encompassing achy awfulness, just kept growing. How was I going to be able to drive those curvy roads ??? Is this one of the awful steps to accepting a loved one’s goneness ?? ?

Well, if so, I HATE IT !!!

 

Shawn On Swing          Shawn Holding Ella20140503_171439

2016-05-04 20.28.14 During Shawn’s last week, he was calmly pleased when the Chaplain offered to read Psalm 23.


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My Grief Challenges

Just Remembering Shawn May 3, 2015

20140503_200959 (1)        Rockaway May 3, 2014.

wpid-20150501_185515.jpg   For my “Just Remembering Shawn” time at Rockaway, I have a different saying each day. May 1, 2015, the sunshine was amazing, the wind was so strong I kept tipping over while placing the letters. This was the best shot I could get. In a way, my being jostled by the wind, pretty much describes this past year.  purex-laundry-detergent-mountain-breeze-scentThanks for this blue bottle, I didn’t have to paint the letters. !!!

   I have a lot of beach decorating remembrance ideas floating around, in my head. Hopefully, folks will see that these ideas can be used in a variety of situations, can be done easily, anywhere. Oh and ummm, I am a 3G shopper: I Go. Grab. & Get out as fast as I can. In other words, I do not like any part of the shopping experience.   Therefore, I am the worst bargain hunter.   That being said, I am sure you bargaineers, can do these ideas fairly inexpensively.  

 20150425_072537 It might be hard  to guess what I might make from this mess of craft items, I purchased from Jo-Ann’s.  At the typing of this paragraph, I am hoping that my idea turns out. The reveal will be at the end of this post.

I read my ramblings  from May 3, 2014. Here is a some of what I wrote:    “Shawn, I miss you more than I care to know. I cannot see how life can have an upside. My mind will not stop the accusations of all the wrongs I did to you, or how I failed you, how I fell short, how I didn’t reach out more. So many things. I am told as time goes by I will be able to remember the happier times of your living days. I hope that all those times I begged your forgiveness, that you truly did. I hope I did not make your last days worse because I could not let go. I have it recorded the day you stood 3 times. You were valiant in your efforts to conquer the sufferings your body had endured. Someday, I hope to watch that recording with joy not sorrow.”

 And now, Shawn, I am glad I didn’t know then what I know now, about your last days, cuz I know I could not have faced them then. I so dread every moment knowing I have to face your goneness. Truth be told, I HATE THIS !!!         I see myself as that lost little lamb: Lost Little Lamb   Not in regards to salvation, lost in life’s mire. Broken Heart

Someone asked me why I do beach messages for Shawn.  Deep within, I know that Shawn would think they are a cool idea. He would.      In a way, there is kind of a releasing that happens, with each one.

wpid-20150502_102630.jpg This is my redo, for May 1. The wind wasn’t a bother, yet.   Here is the official design for May 2.wpid-20150502_203337.jpg   

Today, May 3.   wpid-20150503_082226.jpg   When I got back into the room after setting up the design for Shawn’s 2nd year gone, this song was playing: Broken Hallelujah: https://youtu.be/Fo3DudOzV4k    

                                                Shawn, I miss you so…

 

 

 

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My About Page

My About Page December 4, 2013

My Rockaway Beach Footstool, taken May 5, 2013

https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-K9BdCCNsyUQ/UsiOLNQXkXI/AAAAAAAAABc/u4ARvXv-VNs/s1280/Rockaway%252520Footstool.jpgWho am I ???  I asked my husband for help answering that question. Bob said, “You are definitely one in a million”, while chuckling. You see, I was born, on the kitchen floor, at the family farm in Idaho.  My Grandma Million was responsible for my safe delivery.  I was the first February 29ther (we are also referred to as “Leapers”) that year, in the Moscow area. The list of unique events grows from there, with many lonely times. For many years, my source of comfort has been, Psalm 139. I tend to be super serious, very emotional and empathetic.                                                                  I  do a pretty good Donald Duck imitation-that is as close to funny as I get. Also,my favorite football teams-since I was 15 years old are: The Steelers  & The Bears. I have a 3-fold purpose for Moving Mercifully Forward=MMF.                                  * This is a place where I share my raw loss struggles. ** I want folks to have a place they can feel free to share their stories. *** I want MMF to be a place to find encouragement, and coping ideas.                                                                                                                        photo   In time,  I  hope my daughter (Melissa Apperson)                                                                                                 will be encouraged, in these readings, while continuing to move forward,  glancing back, seeing the hurdles that God has given us the might to bound over.   Oh, and maybe Melissa will learn tidbits she never new about before.

I am not an expert on loss, although, I have lost more than 4 grandparents-some I wasn’t able to meet. I have lost several relatives that were very dear to me.  Co-workers, bosses and very   dear friends are on my list of losses.  My bio-Mom died,  a few years ago, before we could meet.       Each person held a special place in my life.                                                                                      My son,  Shawn Apperson,  died on May 3, 2013.                 His death, by far, is harder to cope with than I ever could imagine. IMG_2520 This is my son Shawn, he  was so proud of this igloo.  He made it  3 weeks after Lil’ E. was born, in January 2012            At the back, right,  the glow is a lantern he had placed inside.    I miss him so…

The months  Shawn  was in the hospital,  I did frequent post updates, on his condition. After Shawn died, folks encouraged me not to stop writing. They think it will be helpful in my grief process.                                                          For the most part I have been posting on the weekends.  So far, that seems the best time for my full schedule.                       If anyone wants to get in touch with me, please,  use:    mrskitz@frontier.com In closing, I hope folks will find this a place to grow through their own challenging times.  Grief comes in many different forms.  I hope folks will find that they are not alone.  May each find encouragement, seeing that  others have made it through many and  various difficult journeys.    K

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