My Grief Challenges

2 Years Ago December 6, 2014


Today is December 4. 2014.  2 years ago the fire that caused Shawn’s death happened. Today, while I was loopin, I heard sirens, several times.  Then the replay of the news story, from that day, kept running through my mind. I had not realized, at that time, that the fire was at Shawn’s.  I finally heard Melissa’s broken voice-mail about Shawn,               just before my last run  on that awful day :::(                             Oh why did I work this week ?        Simply because there have been so many out sick that I could not allow  myself  to be selfish and not work.                                                     No matter how many tears I cry,                         No matter how many times I call Shawn’s name.                            No matter how hard I want.                        Nothing can change Shawn’s death !                                          Today the weather has not been cold.                    It has been raining buckets.         e2b8774a2f6a4d686469c672a007e9a9      I was missing Shawn so bad that I decided to watch a couple of videos I took of him, in the hospital. It was my hope that the pain would be quenched. One of the most precious videos was of Shawn working so hard to sit, then to stand.   He wanted to show the doctors he was ready to leave the hospital.                He fought so hard to survive.                                                                                                                                                Nothing is desirable.                       6c724a5618b9f3eb120a81dc1e1bd653                                                                                                    I can’t remember how everything played out, day wise, but  in my talkings with a coworker, he told me of a song that he thought would be good for me to hear.  I   found the CD  on my bus seat, Thursday morning, December 4.  My  time was limited, I could not  find the song.  I wrote a thank you note and placed it in my friend’s bus.  I explained that the day was super hard, it being 2 years since the fire that caused Shawn’s death. I told him I would search at a later/better time for the song.   I just could not remember the phrase to listen for.  My friend caught me Friday as I was preparing to leave for my kindy run.  He was so worried, because of some of the phrases in the song might be too much. He had not put it together, that Shawn died because of a house fire.  He gave me a couple of phrases to listen for.   I told him I would do my best to listen thoroughly.   I decided to take the time between kindy runs and find the song. I checked out the 1st CD, nope.   I put in the 2nd CD. The song my friend had for me, was #3.  I must admit there was a comfort, in the song, while at the same time, several of the phrases hit too close to home.   But, it is where I am~~”not right now.”                                            I encourage you to listen to Jason Gray’s song “Not Right Now”, and Story Behind the Song “Not Right Now”-both are on you-tube.                  It might help those of you who have  friends who are shattered by some sort of grief.   Just knowing someone cares is more helpful than various pros.


I am, also, in deep sorrow for all of Shawn’s dear ones. This week was very difficult for them, as well.  Just because the numbers changed on the calendar does not mean our grief changed.   There is, also, an awful heaviness, as many struggle to see how God can use Shawn’s death for His glory.  Or the struggle of coming to grips with the why.                                                                      For some reason, the agony of Shawn’s death is really getting to me. I had more things to add to this post, but I just can’t.   So this will do for today.     K:::(