My Grief Challenges

One More Talk June 6, 2015

 

Glowing Skateboard    This week one of my friends was telling me about a relative who was in the hospital. This patient had a tremendous fear of needles. She went into detail about some of the life saving procedures this person did not want done.      His Dad was hoping things were not as bad as had been told to him.  His Dad was hoping for one more talk. I felt so sad for them, as they were trying to prepare for the worst.   I know for myself, the months Shawn was in hospital I just wanted to hear his voice, just one more time.  Today, I would very much welcome one of Shawn’s sardine burps.   The things we miss when a dear one is no longer living.

 As my friend  was talking, my mind flew to the many times Shawn had  to have the line in his  carotid artery moved or replaced.  He became very stressed. Mind you, he could not speak, so it must have been extra frustrating, for Shawn.   Needles and tubing being inserted in one’s neck…it is totally understandable why Shawn did not like that procedure.  Shawn had much agitation when it came to having  his wraps changed, daily.   I, also, have one video of Shawn lying flat, waiting for a procedure to be completed, his face turned red and he was very upset.  

My friend was telling me about the frustration of not being able to help or even visit the relative. There were a lot of unsurities regarding the communications and what and who would have say.  Or how much to do or not do.  

Again, my mind wondered. Yes, I heard her every word, but being visual, my mind was replaying some of the difficulties, during Shawn’s situation.  Then, I started accusing myself of: being too Mom-hovering, talking for Shawn too much, wanting to know and have say in Shawn’s issues.  BUT, my child could not speak, could not move, was in excruciating pain, what does a parent do or not do ?      Oh how I wish Shawn and I could  have one more talk…

 My friend had finished and it was time for my Kindy run.  I was somehow  reminded a situation that happened. In fact, this happening would not leave my mind.  It was March 18, 2015, about 11:36 AM. Just before my second Kindy stop. To my right was a guy built like Shawn.  He had Shawn’s walk. He had a skateboard. As I passed him and looked in my crossview mirror I swear it was Shawn. He had both arms, no burn marks, no missing cartilage from nose and all his hair. I slowed the bus,  gulped, I was sure it was Shawn. I put my bus driverness back on. I allowed myself to cry, hard, inside.  I yelled at the top of my hearts cry, “Shawn, it’s Mom, can’t we just have one more talk ?”    Is that how it is, when death ends a relationship, one wants to say the unsaids, mend the wrongs, just have one more get together—knowing it is impossible ?    Such torment. Such pain. Such longing.    It is certainly strange how a conversation can pull one in such directions. 

 
2010 or 2011This is all I can muster, today.

 

When I Lost You

 

 

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My Grief Challenges

My Precious Gift Shawn’s 31st B.day January 3, 2015

4a668f6b2b5173ea39569e7642f1eb6f                                                                                                                                                        I was asked about Shawn’s birth events – when I finished it was told to me: ” Shawn certainly was a birthing survivor; a true gift.”                                                                      The day Shawn was born,  I remember being told by the doctors that one of us was not going to make it.  I was adamant that Shawn’s life be saved.  I remember being prepped for surgery, thinking it was my end.    I tried to get my whole self to relax so my body could use all energies for the survival of my baby.     Suddenly, surgery prep stopped.  I was pretty drugged up, paralyzed from the neck down. Then,  I heard,     “The baby is coming !”  I was told to push, but I couldn’t feel anything.  I had nothing left in me to be able to push—so I thought.   I was asked to push one more time, as someone lifted my upper body up. and quickly  laid  me back down.           I remember Shawn’s  little body being placed on me. BUT I couldn’t make my arms work and I certainly did not want to drop my precious gift—after all—we both had survived.  So,  I asked someone to hold Shawn. Then I sobbed, as someone else held my Shawner.                                                       I do not know how we came up with the first name, but Paul was for my Dad, and David was for Dave-Shawn’s Dad and my Gramps: David Million.       Then the doctor told me that Shawn weighed 7 pounds and 11 1/2 ounces, and that he was quite a bit bigger than the doctor first expected.  The doctor also commented  that Shawn was cozy and safe and just did not want to be born.                                                                                                   The pain of Shawn’s goneness continues-kind of like a growing volcano.  In some ways I  hurt worse than the day he died.   Thus far, things are  not getting easier.  Oh, I can stuff emotions better, but I am tormented by: did I torturously keep Shawn alive-cause I couldn’t let him go, when others were ready ?           Or, did I lack the faith or the right words in my prayers ?                                                                           Today is January 1, 2015. I am so tired of “Merry Christmas & Happy New Year”.  I keep hearing over and over on the radio of various testimonies about how God was faithful and healed someone.   When I turn on the news, I am jolted by the awful events that have happened.   I am intensely sad for those who have lost, or that the event seems soon. I sorrow deeply for those suffering in a variety of ways— I was told it is because I am an extremely compassionate person: I actually hurt when others hurt—so no, I am not just feeling sorry for myself.  I hurt for others, as well.     It is just that  Shawn’s death  hurts so  violently.     It is all so hard to explain.                                                                                                                     2 songs played a lot when Shawn was in Harborview: Lincoln Brewster singing “Everlasting God” with Levi Brewster quoting Isaiah 40:31. The words of that verse are on a plague I wrote for Shawn, many years ago.   The other song was: “Steal My Show” by Toby Mac—I wonder if people really grasp the meaning ?  These 2 songs have played at times that I have been dealing with intense emotions regarding Shawn’s goneness—I do not know why.                                                             Shawn, I miss you so much !!!

2014-12-24 09.46.16   2014-12-24 11.57.07

2014-12-24 11.36.53   How I wish I could have ALWAYS kept Shawner safe in my arms.

2014-12-24 10.01.15    20130516_200756                  Such cuteness !!!

2014-12-24 11.39.43   2014-12-24 10.37.47     Such preciousness !!!

2014-12-24 11.21.22   I always loved Shawn’s frompy  attire !!!            He was silly;  Long pants in the summer and shorts in the winter.       2014-12-17 18.01.51      What, in the wooorld, were Bob & Shawn doing up there anyway ???

2014-12-17 17.49.19   Oh my !!!   Melissa & Shawn.

2008-01-01 12.01.31   2008-05-31 19.30.35                       He was such a character !!!

2008-01-01 14.52.262008-01-02 11.10.21

2008-05-31 19.08.18  Just a few photos to let you folks see the Shawn I miss so very very much !!!

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA The summer of 2014,  I took Sam to Shawn’s favorite skate park.  Sam was excited to show me what his Dad had taught him about skateboarding. We had fun letting the board roll on it’s own from the top of the wall and back and forth, on the lower areas.         Sam had told me that his Dad used to bring bouncy balls and throw them, in the skateboard area, and watch where the bounce took the balls.     So, that is what we did.     Sam and I had such fun as he taught me how his Dad said was the best way to throw the bouncy balls.                     I had noticed when we first arrived, at the park, that there were several boarders but for some reason, none were to be seen, during our time of recollection. When it was time to go, Sam wanted to do some poses on his Dad’s skateboard. Poses Sam was certain his Dad would just love.

A couple more things to share as I wrap up my tribute for Shawn’s 31st b.day.

First, around Thanksgiving break, I was dejunking a bit in the garage. Bob was thinking of getting a new sauna and I needed to rearrange for a bigger model.  As I was finishing, I glanced  up at the storage shelves, in the upper section. For whatever reason, my eyes landed on some Christmas lights, that had been unmoved for at-least 5 years. I took the bag down wondering why I had kept the lights, they were just clear-not blue.     As I opened the bag to see what might be hiding inside, I came upon a template-it was for a lighted b.day board.   You see, I had made lighted b.day boards for Bob, Melissa and Shawn, about 1988. As I pulled the cardboard out, I saw Shawn’s name.     I was completely caught off guard.                              I wondered what had become of the other templates ?                It didn’t take long for my mind  to come up with a way to use the template for Shawn’s upcoming b.day.                            I didn’t use the clear lights that were in the bag.  I used the 2 strands of lights, Shawn’s neighbor took off Shawn’s house for me, after his funeral.                 Shawn had put the lights up the night before the fire. He had all kinds of decorating ideas he was going to do December 4, 2012.     He even had all the ornaments I had made, on the kitchen table.   They had survived the fire.                                   When Shawn’s neighbor took the lights down,  I had no idea how I was going to use them, scorched as they were.   For that matter, I didn’t even know if they would light.   This is the second project I have used the lights in.                           I don’t ever plan to clean off the soot.                                                   It would be so neat if I could find the photos of Bob, Melissa and Shawn with their lighted b.day boards.

 20150103_082536 20150103_140222  20150101_212632

After Christmas break started, I spent many hours in Kinkos, copying  photos to CD so I could start working  on Shawn’s Memory Trail.  Something jarred my memory.    Maybe I could find the b.day song I had done for Shawn’s 29th b.day-at Harborview.                                       What makes this so special for me is that Shawn had had a long day of birthday visitors. Melissa and I were last. Shawn kept falling asleep.      I was worried that I was not going to be able to sing to Shawn with a voice he so loved.  I had nothing else I could think of  to do for his b.day.                      Then, Shawn woke up. I believe I asked if he had enough energy for one more b.day doing ?  He gave a nod of approval.                        While getting ideas together for this post,  I was brought to tears when each site I tried to play  Shawn’s b.day song, wouldn’t work. Each location I tried,  said there was an error and the video was no longer available.  My heart sank-just a Shawn connection I do not want to lose.     My hope is that it was just a bad internet connection and that the song is not lost.    We will find out when I hit publish.         I will let Shawn’s song  be my close.         Oh yes,  I know the wraps covering Shawn’s burns might be tough to view, but if you look carefully, Shawn’s smile… so precious                                                   How I miss my Shawner.

    54cfa16a5e99d6deda04efe8e6e55efe

http://youtu.be/Ef4KYfhuTDc       (singing to Shawn)

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My Grief Challenges

Remember Crazy Days ? April 26, 2014

Does anyone remember Crazy Days ? Or was that an event small towns put on ? It occurred over several days. businesses would place  discounted items outside, to sell. It seemed like folks enjoyed those days.  The sidewalks were a buzz with visiting and looking.  The specific one I remember,  I must have been 4 or 5, not much older.  I was with Gram Million.  I do not recall where my 2 brothers or Gramps were. Gram  had made it clear to me, that I was not to wander.                             *** Just a side note, if anyone has gone shopping with me I wander off- I don’t even think twice about notifying those I am with.  Years ago, Bob came up with a solution: Walkie Talkies.  Much better than using the store announcing system. Melissa, Shawn and I had fun, with the Walkies. You see, sometimes we could listen to the stores goings on, if we landed on the right channel. Makes me chuckle, we thought we were so clever. There were quite a few times we were butting in on someone else s conversation.       So, If you ever go shopping with me,  never be surprised to find me gone. I just do that, something will catch my eye and away I go before I think to tell anyone. Cell phones have been the best help, for these type of occurrences.***                                                                Back to Crazy Days-I wonder if small towns do that anymore ?   This particular day was sunny. We were in Moscow, at the corner of 5th & Main.  I  vaguely remember hearing a bunch of adults moving the clothes racks, calling “Kathy”.    Well, I knew better than to go with just anyone  calling my name, so, I didn’t answered. Then a bunch of people came up to me-all frantic. They said I was lost and was now found.   As I remember my little mind thinking. I wasn’t lost,  just wandering and didn’t tell anyone, what was wrong with that ? Seemed like no big deal to me. Shortly, after I was found, Gram appeared-she was in a tizzy. She made sure I knew that going off on my own was the wrong thing to do. My little mind still did not seem to understand what the problem was, but if anything made Gram upset-nothing more needed to be said.     I bet she would have loved a harness like I posted about, a couple weeks ago.                                                   It seems some kind of lawn chair was brought to Gram, and that is where I was to sit for a while. Had I been given a mind like Shawn’s, sitting there would have been turned into a thrilling ride through outer space. I believe one of my posts mentioned how having Shawn stand in a corner was not a punishment .   Tears come to my eyes  as I recall chuckling times, listening to Shawn’s  funny corner noises. He had no idea I was listening.     It wouldn’t have mattered, anyway, because he was on an adventure.  I hope those cute memories in my head, never leave.   Melissa, on the other hand, found the  corner a very unpleasant experience.                                                                                                                 As I jot these memories, I am sad that I made things so difficult for my Grandparents. Poor Gram, she had played such a big role on my birthing day… I do hope somehow,  through all the happenings, that Gram did experience some  chuckle moments.     Well, I am sure the time I dressed my 2 brothers (me 5, Marlin-4 and Duane=3 ???) for a five mile walk into town to search for Dad, she wasn’t chuckling.                                                                                                    Have you ever been in a situation, when you turned your head for a moment, as you turn back, the child is gone ? Hold that gut getter of a feeling. Have you ever been at a  big event and a child was missing ?  What about in a store, looking high and low ?  Maybe you left church and didn’t do a count before leaving.  The park may have seemed big and open, were there places a child might wander to that you didn’t think of. How about going to the zoo ?    While reading these events,  did your gut wrinkle at a  recollection of a familiar moment ? You know the feeling, looking everywhere, hoping for a quick find and hoping another person did not take what was not theirs. Panic sets in, The search area becomes wider. Calls are  placed for help.  Dread of what the end result could be. You pray earnestly, quietly that the unimaginable didn’t,  just now, happen-to you ?      Does an alarm make your stomach crunch?   Have you ever been late and your keys are not ANYWHERE !!!   Maybe you had a situation with another person. You held up your end of the deal-they didn’t. What about preparing that perfect meal-but somehow the main dish, burned, and left a bad fragrance in the air. Oh, and those blasted signal lights. What makes them turn when late has already passed. ? Hold those gut getter knowings   For me a major gut getter is getting ornaments ready for shipping—on time. For work I have gut grinds about being a safe driver for my passengers.   I don’t know if this makes sense, but when my wheezing escapes and others hear it-the cringe happens.   So, yes, I do know the gut getter feelings, all too well.               20140417_133339                                               When Melissa & Shawn were under the ages 2 & 4, we lived near Little Spokane  River.  The back porch and garden areas had been fenced, providing safe places to play. Most details escape me.  I do know it was warm enough weather to not need a jacket.  Shawn was no where to be found.  A quick search and call outs  were done outside, another check through the house. I was not going to allow my mind to wonder about where all a small tyke could  go: the woods at the back of the house and the little river out front  And why wasn’t Babe-our German Shepherd, helping us look ?. The search area was widened.  Another search inside.2014-04-26 08.44.26  No Shawn.   Time to get help and search the river.  I had been sent back inside with Melissa, and told to wait.  Outside there were no signs of a trail in the grasses, indicating a wandering child.  I think it was Melissa who found  Shawn.  It seems she known of a special place Shawn liked to sleep.                  You see, I do not like dressers.   At that time, Dave was working for Clover Club Potato Chips—the best chips.  21-263There were old wire chip display racks to be discarded. BUT, I had other plans. The shelves held more clothing than a dresser ever could, and the lower area could hold a toy or shoe box.  I had a quilted piece of fabric to cover the lower opening.   Yep, that’s right.    Every painful groan gulped during the search, was released as Shawn was found sleeping behind the quilted covering.   How come he didn’t wake when his name was being called ?  How had no one  checked that spot ?  I cannot describe the relief at learning Shawn had not fallen into the river.             I have no idea why, but this past week was filled with those   feelings from those dread moments when Shawn couldn’t be found ( the gut getters).                                                          ***  This post was written close to May 16, 2013.     I was finishing my pre-trip. I had been talking to Melissa. We were both trying to get back to life, after Shawn’s death.  Melissa at school, me in the bus.  I had just completed filling out the pre-trip book.  Melissa’s call cut out, a lot. I thought she had hung up, so I went on my way. We would touch base later. I made it through my elementary run.   My  high school run started fine. I was driving on 82nd, heading toward the Expressway.  I had cleared the Costco light, the dip, then I saw a young male walking on the path,  next to the road, he never looked up-that close to a big rig-I would have. He had on a white tee-shirt-dressed in light blue jeans-baggy. a baseball cap and hair like Shawn’s. His walk, the way he held himself, and his  facial features, there is no way it wasn’t Shawn—he never looked up. What I noticed is that there were no burn areas, he had both arms, all his hair, doing his Shawn walk-deep in thought. I know I gasped, tears fell, I had to keep going. This scared me so bad. Anyway, how could there be a Shawn walking around as if never having been burned- with deep tissue burns over 73% over his body ???  Later when talking to Melissa. I told her I hadn’t understood what she had said upon her arrival at school. she told me that when she got out of her car, she saw someone with a skateboard, he looked like Shawn. I gasped. How strange that we both had the same experience near the same time.                                             *** Currant***        This is where I have  struggled, this past week, I have been so wishing to see someone walking Shawn’s way.   My gut has been in turmoil for reasons I understand not.   Then, God sent another mother my way- she surmised, quickly, what was happening.   She said to expect these kind of things around the 1st anniversary. For her the 1st s  were very tough. She also, told me that she could not give the okay for machines to be shut off on her son. Both of us knew the guilt we would put onto ourselves for the rest of our days. She told me she had to trust the father and brother regarding shutting her son’s machines off.                                                                                                             For some reason this song came on many times, at super low moments, this past week.   http://youtu.be/ycNs4qYLoak

FYI: In all my posts I try my best to write details, carefully and accurately. If anyone recalls a detail I left out, or misstated, pleased let me know. I will make the necessary changes.

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My Grief Challenges

Remember Crazy Days ? April 26, 2014

Does anyone remember Crazy Days ?  Was that an event only small towns put on ? It occurred over several days.  Businesses would place  discounted items outside, to sell. It seemed like folks enjoyed those days.  The sidewalks were a buzz with visitors and lookers.  The specific time I remember,  I must have been 4 or 5, not much older.  I was with Gram Million.  I do not recall where Gramps and my 2 brothers were. Gram  had made it clear to me, that I was not to wander.                             *** Just a side note, if anyone has gone shopping with me I wander off- I don’t even think twice about notifying those I am with.  Years ago, Bob came up with a solution: Walkie Talkies.  Much better than using the store announcing system. Melissa, Shawn and I had fun, with the Walkies. You see, sometimes we could listen to the stores goings on, if we landed on the right channel. Makes me chuckle, we thought we were so clever. There were quite a few times we had butted in on someone else s conversation.       So, If you ever go shopping with me,  never be surprised to find me gone.  Something will catch my eye and away I go before I think to tell anyone. Cell phones have been the best help, for these type of occurrences.***                                                                Back to Crazy Days-I wonder if small towns do that anymore ?   This particular day was sunny. We were in Moscow, at the corner of 5th & Main.  I  vaguely remember hearing a bunch of adults moving the clothes racks, calling “Kathy”.    Well, I knew better than to go with just anyone  calling my name, so, I didn’t answer. Suddenly, a bunch of people came up to me-all frantic. They said I was lost and was now found.   As I remember my little mind thinking. I wasn’t lost,  just wandering and didn’t tell anyone, what was wrong with that ? Seemed like no big deal to me. Shortly, after I was found, Gram appeared-she was in a tizzy. She made sure I knew that going off on my own was the wrong thing to do. My little mind still did not seem to understand what the problem was, but if anything made Gram upset-nothing more needed to be said.     I bet she would have loved a harness like I posted about, a couple weeks ago.                                                   It seems some kind of lawn chair was brought to Gram, and that is where I was to sit for a while. Had I been given a mind like Shawn’s, sitting there would have been turned into a thrilling ride through outer space. I believe one of my posts mentioned how having Shawn stand in a corner was not a punishment .   Tears come to my eyes  as I recall chuckling times, listening to Shawn’s  funny corner noises. He had no idea I was listening.     It wouldn’t have mattered, anyway, because he was on an adventure.  I hope those cute memories in my head, never leave.   Melissa, on the other hand, found the  corner a very unpleasant experience.                                                                                                                 As I jot these memories, I am sad that I made things so difficult for my Grandparents. Poor Gram, she had played such a big role on my birthing day… I do hope somehow,  through all the happenings, that Gram did experience some  chuckle moments.     Well, I am sure the time I dressed my 2 brothers (me 5, Marlin-4 and Duane=3 ???) for a five mile walk into town to search for Dad, she wasn’t chuckling.                                                                                                    Have you ever been in a situation, when you turned your head for a moment, as you turn back, the child is gone ? Hold that gut getter of a feeling. Have you ever been at a  big event and a child was missing ?  What about in a store, looking high and low ?  Maybe you left church and didn’t do a count before leaving.  The park may have seemed big and open, were there places a child might wander to that you didn’t think of ?  How about going to the zoo ?    While reading these events,  did your gut wrinkle at a  recollection of a familiar moment ? You know the feeling, looking everywhere, hoping for a quick find and hoping another person did not take what was not theirs. Panic sets in, The search area becomes wider. Calls are  placed for help.  Dread of what the end result could be. You pray earnestly, quietly that the unimaginable didn’t,  just now, happen-to you ?      Does an alarm make your stomach crunch?   Have you ever been late and your keys are not ANYWHERE !!!   Maybe you had a situation with another person. You held up your end of the deal-they didn’t. What about preparing that perfect meal-but somehow the main dish, burned, and left a bad fragrance in the air. Oh, and those blasted signal lights. What makes them turn when late has already passed. ? Hold those gut getter knowings   For me a major gut getter is getting ornaments ready for shipping—on time. For work I have gut grinds about being a safe driver for my passengers.   I don’t know if this makes sense, but when my wheezing escapes and others hear it-the cringe happens.   So, yes, I do know the gut getter feelings, all too well.                                                              When

Little Spokane River

Little Spokane River

Melissa & Shawn were under the ages 2 & 4, we lived near Little Spokane  River.  The back porch and garden areas had been fenced, providing safe places to play. Most details escape me.  I do know it was warm enough weather to not need a jacket.  Shawn was no where to be found.  A quick search and call outs  were done outside, another check through the house. I was not going to allow my mind to wonder about where all a small tyke could  go: the woods at the back of the house and the little river out front  And why wasn’t Babe-our German Shepherd, helping us look ?. The search area was widened.  Another search inside.  No Shawn.  

Shawn, before age 2

Time to get help and search the river.  I had been sent back inside with Melissa, and told to wait.  Outside there were no signs of a trail in the grasses, indicating a wandering child.  I think it was Melissa who found  Shawn.  It seems she had known of a special place Shawn liked to sleep.                  You see, I do not like dressers.   At that time, Dave was working for Clover Club Potato Chips—the best chips.

A clothes holder

A clothes holder

There were old wire chip display racks to be discarded. BUT, I had other plans. The shelves held more clothing than a dresser ever could, and the lower area could hold a toy or shoe box.  I had a quilted piece of fabric to cover the lower opening.   Yep, that’s right.    Every painful groan gulped during the search, was released as Shawn was found sleeping behind the quilted covering.   How come he didn’t wake when his name was being called ?  How had no one  checked that spot ?  I cannot describe the relief at learning Shawn had not fallen into the river.             I have no idea why, but this past week was filled with those   feelings from those dread moments when Shawn couldn’t be found ( the gut getters).                                                          ***  This post was written close to May 16, 2013.     I was finishing my pre-trip. I had been talking to Melissa. We were both trying to get back to life, after Shawn’s death.  Melissa at school, me in the bus.  I had just completed filling out the pre-trip book.  Melissa’s call cut out, a lot. I thought she had hung up, so I went on my way. We would touch base later. I made it through my elementary run.   My  high school run started fine. I was driving on 82nd, heading toward the Expressway.  I had cleared the Costco light, the dip, then I saw a young male walking on the path,  next to the road, he never looked up-that close to a big rig-I would have. He had on a white tee-shirt-dressed in light blue jeans-baggy. a baseball cap and hair like Shawn’s. His walk, the way he held himself, and his  facial features, there is no way it wasn’t Shawn—he never looked up. What I noticed is that there were no burn areas, he had both arms, all his hair, doing his Shawn walk-deep in thought. I know I gasped, tears fell, I had to keep going. This scared me so bad. Anyway, how could there be a Shawn walking around as if never having been burned- with deep tissue burns over 73% over his body ???  Later when talking to Melissa. I told her I hadn’t understood what she had said upon her arrival at school. She told me that when she got out of her car, she saw someone with a skateboard, he looked like Shawn. I gasped. How strange that we both had the same experience near the same time.                                             *** Current***        This is where I had  struggled, this past week, I had been so wishing to see someone walking Shawn’s way.   My gut had been in turmoil for reasons I understood not.   Then, God sent another mother my way- she surmised, quickly, what was happening.   She said to expect these kind of things around the 1st anniversary. For her the 1st s  were very tough. She also, told me that she could not give the okay for machines to be shut off on her son. Both of us knew the guilt we would put onto ourselves for the rest of our days. She told me she had to trust the father and brother regarding shutting her son’s machines off.                                                                                                             For some reason this song came on many times, at super low moments, this past week.   http://youtu.be/ycNs4qYLoak

FYI: In all my posts I try my best to write details, carefully and accurately. If anyone recalls a detail I left out, or misstated, pleased let me know. I will make the necessary changes.

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