My Grief Challenges

A Dot / Crosser February 22, 2014

You may be wondering, what in the world is a dot / crosser ?

Most folks say, “Make sure you dot all your i (s), and cross all your t (s).  For many, many years, I have called it being a dot / crosser. It suits me better.  For most tasks, if I am given a list of To Dos, that is what I do. I also, check and recheck and check again, making sure I did all I was suppose to do. No, I will never be perfect, but I don’t want anyone to think I did not give my best.                                                                                                                                       Sleep has not been restful, as I have many night mares. The days are, also, exhausting, as day mares, knock me down, every few moments. These are brought on by the would haves, could haves and should haves, that I may have failed to do, during Shawn’s last months, alive. My reason for  bringing up being a dot / crosser;  as I was thinking over the past week, about what I was going to share, guilt was the dominant issue. For me, the two go together.

A few examples:

*The summer of 2012, Shawn’s work schedule made it difficult for visiting. Recently, I was jolted awake, from a dream, in which, I thought I heard Shawn, audibly say, “Mom, I am feeling left out, can’t I visit with you, alone ? ”   As it happened, we had had an almost 2 hour laundry room talk. Really ? Were there other times that could have been made available ?

*Many of my photos and videos, from the summer of 2012, didn’t have Shawn in them. How did I not notice ? Also, why had he, purposely avoided the camera ? On one occasion, he had told me he didn’t like his photo taken-but that wasn’t the Shawn I knew.

*I wrote a post, “Not Enough Faith ???”. That thought doesn’t leave my head, was my lack of faith, the reason Shawn wasn’t healed ?

*Was I a bother to the hospital staff because I needed to spend as much time as possible, with Shawn? I was just wanting to be with my son. I did not want him lonely—he was one of those folks that did not like being alone.                                                                                   One day a nurse came into Shawn’s room, unexpectedly. Shawn was in the cardio- chair.  I was, busily, cleaning the blood off the vinyl  mattress cover. The nurse smiled and said that it, finally, made sense why we were using so many cloths.                                                    Near Shawn’s end, he had many times where he would bleed, a lot, during turnings, or pokes, or dressing changes. How many times had I cleaned the bed frame, under the bed wheels, various equipment that had gotten splattered on.  I didn’t say anything, or rag on the hospital people for not getting things more cleaned up, after an issue. I was very capable to take care of it on my own !   The other night, I woke up, worried, that all my cleaning times, in Shawn’s room, should have been spent holding his hand.

*I had been given many talks about letting Shawn go-by staff , whom I did not see on a regular basis-maybe that was their job ? Did my stubbornness irkitate Shawn ?  Was I so oblivious?

*Was I not positive enough ? Could I have encouraged Shawn, more or better ?

Yes, folks have already told me that there is nothing I can do about it now, accept and move on. AND,  “Quit beating yourself up.” BUT, I am a dot / crosser !!! Did I really do all I could have ?

* I have sought forgiveness-why am I not trusting God to work out His sovereign plan ? Why all this angst ?

All that to say, the down side of being a dot / crosser. One tends to ponder,  ALL that may have been left undone, or overlooked or not done good enough ? 

I have found some items to share.

My lungs have always been frustrating. When Shawn was having breathing problems, I felt like I had learned some things that could be helpful for him. A togetherness time. I have a friend with lung cancer. There is a specialness in our relationship because of our lung issues, different but the same.  Anyway,  I have 3 products that have been helpful for my lung issues.

1. Lung & Throat Herbal Drops-lozenges. I have other cough drops I use, but these feel refreshing to my lungs and my tongue doesn’t get the raw feeling. Wonderful.

2. Wish Garden, Deep Lung. These drops are so handy, and helpful, and safe. When I am driving elementary passengers-who need to be spoken to, A LOT, this liquid is effective for my lungs and not a possible choking hazard. Also, at night, instead of using my inhaler to stop coughing, this product has been the answer.

3. My Tweeter Inversion Table. My doctor told me that using my Teeter Inversion Table, is the best way for folks with asthma to get the bad air at the lower part of the lungs, out.

Hope these can be helpful for others.

I sure would not mind if folks want to share their ideas, helps through this grief , or just how I could be more encouraging. I realize my writing is real and raw and maybe too much for folks to handle. Please feel free to comment.