Well, it has been a strange week. I still find many special days, kind-of sad. Each one reminds me of the hole in my heart, from Shawn’s goneness. I was going to have a simple weekend. I had a very tough Friday meeting, to ease from my thoughts. I wanted to pray for all involved in the meeting. I prayed that God would use the words silent and spoken, for His glory. My doubt is in how God can use a broken vessel like me to make a stand ???
I began my Saturday ironing. As is true when washing dishes, by hand, ironing calms me~~~go figure !!! I turned on the television and President Trump was giving a commencement speech at Liberty University. Their theme is so wonderful: Champions For Christ !!! I know the speech was intended to encourage the graduates, but God chose words, through President Trump, to encourage my aching heart.
I haven’t given our dogs a bath since the week before Cuddlz died. I decided to find some songs for bath-time listening. I love Elvis Presley’s voice. He has a voice the is so beautiful, powerful and easy to listen to. I found these songs encouraging. Yes, they are my favorites.
I was in the driver’s room just before afternoon runs. I glanced at the TV, a man in a hospital bed on life support. I needed the channel changed, no one had the courage to change it. Finally, this tall guy stepped up. I thanked him and explained. Then he told me about being in the hospital with his son, who had been in a coma for 5 days. The first moments upon his waking, the son still had some paralysis, which added to his angst. The son was very distraught and profusely apologizing for making his Dad go through all the awful events. The son wanted his Dad to forgive him and he wanted to make sure his Dad knew how thankful he was for his support. He told his Dad he knew he wasn’t the awful person he had been taught to believe. The dad had tears streaming down his face as he recounted the details. The interesting thing is that during those 5 days the son was in a coma, he told his Dad that he knew he was at his side the whole time. He knew about all the tears his Dad had shed and all the prayers prayed. For some reason, Eric told me that my child can still have an affect. ???
I do not like being in the drivers room. One day a young person was asking if it was too hard to be a parent. The answers were all over the place, but then, those folks haven’t had a child die. Life does change after a child dies !!! BUT, I will always cherish that God chose me to be Shawn’s MOM !!!
I am struggling to remember when this happened, but I think it was sometime around Shawn’s b.day, January 2013. Melissa and I were always calling folks so Shawn could hear them. He would try so hard to talk. On one of Shawn’s calls with Bob, he kept saying: “Bob, I am sorry”, over and over and over. We could not get the other words figured out. I feel so awful that I was not able to figure out a lot of Shawn’s words or attempts at communicating. So, as Eric was talking about his son saying he was “sorry”, I was replaying the phone call moments when Shawn was saying “sorry” to Bob.
During Shawn’s hospital times, what I did love was when Shawn would rest his head peacefully on my hand. I recall many times when I was so exhausted that I thought I could not stand anymore. I worked so hard to try and make sure Shawn didn’t know that my hand was aching. I cannot tell you how precious it was to watch him during those peaceful moments. Those moments for hope are gone. How I hope to keep the feeling of those moments.
A favorite saying Shawn would tell his children.
This past October 13th, I was walking down the bus lot, to the track, it felt like the time I was sitting next to Shawn, at Chilis, July 2012. I could actually, feel Shawn’s presence, all the way to the track. It was so real. I had such…I cannot find the right phrase, but it was wonderful !!!
Grief is so frustrating. I thought I had gotten through a bad lung issue, but something was causing a gut grind. I was doing some online searches for asthma helps, last weekend, when I was slammed with a major guilt trip. Did I do enough for Shawn ?
You see, our pastor and his wife had come up to the hospital, to visit Shawn, December 31, 2012. Shortly, before they arrived, a note had been placed on Shawn’s door. Something about only immediate family were allowed in, at the request of the family. Well, I must have missed that meeting.
I thought it would be appropriate for Shawn’s past pastor to visit. A decision was made that we would visit in the waiting room and not cause anymore stress, for me, in case Shawn’s family found out. My first, response back was that; I was part of Shawn’s family, why couldn’t I have some say regarding who visited him ? Our pastor had been informed that my parental rights, as Shawn’s mother, were being threatened and I could, possibly, have my visits with Shawn, terminated. I decided to go along with our pastor’s decision.We had a very nice visit. I hope they enjoyed watching the fireworks, that January 2013, from their room. I know what a comfort they were to me, back then, and I hope God will bless them for their efforts, courage and thoughtfulness.
I apologize for mentioning this issue. It caused me great turmoil during Shawn’s last days. I try, very hard not to mention anything about the other side of my story. I hope, someday, for the mending of relationships and do not want to ruin that opportunity. I, for certain, do not want Shawn’s children to think that Gram K is mean to folks or evil. I am trying to find ways to build bridges with hurt relationships that occurred from Shawn’s situation. I think many issues are still, too saddening, for me. My hope is that time will heal my many aches. I, sure hope I was able to hide that turmoil when I was at Shawn’s bedside, trying to comfort him. I hope I did not add to his suffering. Did he know ???
It was and is, ALL, so hard !!!
My slam this past weekend was in being reminded about Shawn’s repeated plea, telling Bob he was sorry. What if Shawn needed closure with our pastor ? Should I have been more insistent ??? Did I do enough for Shawn ???
About 3 weeks ago, I learned that, many times, Shawn had said he wished they hadn’t shut me out of their lives. I know the words were meant to be positive, but for whatever reason, they pierced me to the marrow. It is my hope, in time, those words from Shawn, will override my guilt of not doing enough for him.
I was speaking with a friend about doing my posts audio, when my bad lung voice is so awful sounding. She was very certain that I need do them, anyway. My voice, no matter how it sounds is part of who I am. I will certainly try.
Before you view this cute tell; our family takes the handling of guns very serious. I, highly, respect the help and advice my brother-in -law gives, when helping with target practice. His hunting skills are superior, as are his skills with heavy duty equipment. His quick and accurate reactions saved my sister’s life, during a motorcycle situation.
The reason this video is special: 1. It makes me cry/laugh. 2. I love hearing Melissa chuckle laugh. 3. Most important: The recordings I had for Shawn, on a flip phone, were lost. The ache from that is excruciating. I am not being negative, but I needed to make sure I had something with Melissa. I love this recording of her and her cute voice. I think it would be a good thing for folks to have at least one good recording of their special folks. Oh man !!! Why didn’t I do simple records on my Thanksgiving trip. I am making a note to self.
I am just throwing this out there, maybe someone can give me an idea. I asked my grandson what is something he would love. I asked him the first thing that popped into his head. I was expecting a whole list of things. After about a 3 second pause he said. I want one of those necklaces that when you open it there would be a photo of my dad (Shawn) on one side and myself on the other side-so my dad could be close to my heart and I could see him anytime. He indicated the size with his fingers-about the size of a quarter. I have done some research. The lockets I have found are too girly and small. Maybe, someone who comes across this post might be able to tell me where to look.
Yep, this is how I feel, the look on the owl’s face says it well. Many times, there has been the quietest whisper: “Luv ya, Mom”. How can that distant, soft sound last ? How can I shut theworld out so I can hear my precious son’s voice, again His matters. Why did I not think to save Shawn’s voice-mails ? Why did I think technology wouldn’t let me down? This school start-up has been the most awful I can think of, in 11 years. Many folks bickering back and forth. Changes in boundaries, or overflow. Parents upset because of lack of communication or explanation. There is a parent who blamed me for her child not getting off the bus, when her child never got on the bus—therefore, her child will never ride again-even though he had never ridden !!! The irresponsibility was cast onto the bus driver ??? Me. Here is a recall of another very trying situation: a school leader said nothing was working, everything was a mess. too many people not doing their job making more work for others. I told her things will be okay, everything is going to work out, it is just taking some time. We just need to figure out how to get everyone to work together. She informed me that nothing was going to improve, things were too bad. and that I didn’t understand her hardship –everything was just a big ( *** ) mess. I became frustrated and wanted to ask ALL involved: if they had their own child. I wanted to ask all if they had a child sick enough to be on life-support. I wanted to ask if they were ever asked to say “yes” to shutting the life saving machines off ??? I wanted all of them to know what was a true hardship, and what will continue to be a very long and weary hardship. No redo, no restart, no reshuffle, no chance for a better outcome. I wanted to ask all of them, which really was a hardship, theirs or mine ? I have come to learn, that until people have to decide about keeping life support going, they don’t know what makes for a hardship. No offense intended. I have also,learned that folks do not understand the guilt that floods through ones being-unwanted though it be. I know, first hand what is a difficult situation. So many times, I have wanted to yell at the top of my voice during this rough start to a school year===- I KNOW WHAT IS A HARDSHIP !!! Now how can we make this-non- life ending situation work !!! ??? Here is another situation that got my goat: Our buses are equipped with all talk/hear radios. There are times when wires get crossed and folks are misunderstood, or a request goes unanswered, or plans are changed and the bus driver is left out of the loop. There are times when others get involved and make a tough bus situation worse. Us drivers have passenger issues, parents, teachers, road conditions, bus annoyances and the all talk radios, to deal with. How frustrating and humiliating it is when asked, by one dispatch person, for a preferred location to meet a late livid parent, and then have to deal with another dispatch person-who seems to not have a clue as to what was already discussed, about said situation. Let me see if I can make this clear as mud. A parent was late. I was at the designated stop. I had student stop lights on, door open and stop sign out. I was waiting and looking, on a busy 4 lane Highway, with no divider in the middle-which means ALL traffic is suppose to stop ! Whom do you guess, is greeted by the middle finger waves ? I don’t imagine those horn taps were a nice kind of “hello”. It amazes me how loud some engines roar and how much rubber can left on the road, by other late people. The intended receiver was not any dispatch person—in fact not anyone from transportation, not any of the workers at the schools, not the parents who were late. The only one who gets blamed is the bus driver-whois surely at fault. Do you have any idea how hard it is to sckootch a 33,000 pound rig off the road enough for traffic to get by, while waiting for a late livid parent ? Do you have any idea what goes into keeping kindergartners calm-in their seats and quiet so the bus driver can communicate with people who are sitting in comfy chairs, air-conditioned spaces-with time to talk about who is going to bring what to an event ??? Frustrated ? Yes, to the max !!! When a driver is asked, while driving, making student stops, on bumpy narrow-windy roads—steering wheel in one hand, dispatch radio in the other-hoping it doesn’t drop out of reach, where would be the best place to meet the late livid parent ? The next stop, is usually the easiest, close and not out of anyone’s way. When I arrived at said location; no late livid parent. AND then a different dispatch person came on the radio. Wanting to know where I was, because the frantic parent was on the line, this new person didn’t seem to know the details of this trial. While waiting, bus off, for late livid parent, with much dispatch communications—I learned that a different stop had been chosen. In fact, I was made to look like an idiot, sound like an idiot to all the other drivers who were on GT bus routes, for mid-day runs. One more thing, the bus has what is called an ECS=engine cooling system, a fan to cool the engine. It is very loud-not muchcan be heard over it’s noise. To top it off, there were parents waiting for a late drop off because of the late livid parent. Another thing that adds to the frustration, we have all heard it and cringe: those remarks that demean a driver, in front of their passengers, and whomever else is in radio ear shot.. What made this worse, was that this one issue tied up the lines of communication for other drivers with difficulties. I am a dot crosser. I try to do my best, no matter the ache in my heart. I go above and beyond to try and make things work for all involved. I do not demean co-workers, I do not gossip, I try to be positive, and try to look for good in situations. I tend to care too much for all co-worker. I desperately try to make sure no parent has to wonder about the safety and care of their child. I try to take very good care of the bus assigned to me. Oh how a situation can add unneeded stress for an already stress filled day. Many may wonder why I say it was a stress filled day. It was a Friday, it was a 3rd. Shawn’s death day was on a Friday, on a 3rd. All the dreaded details from Shawn’s last days: the decision, the guilt, wondering what he actually knew about what was happening to him—an ache rages through my whole body, devouring any joy. So many times, these past 520 days, I have just wanted to yell at EVERYONE -to SHUT UP !!! Their needless, uncaring, non-understanding noise is drowning out Shawn’s distant soft sound !!! His is the one that matters !!! It is his voice I so desperately don’t want to lose. Yep, that pretty much means I am selfish- We all have work / people/ life frustrations that make for unbearable days—. Oh, wait, a thought just popped in, maybe God sent this crazy dispatch situation as a distraction ? So, please leave me be. I need to get through this rough stage, and maybe someday I will want to care again, for others.